Red vs Blue: Animalisticated
by Saurian65
Summary: The first of a Red vs. Blue crossover series. The Blood Gulch Crew was still stranded on Chorus, when all of a sudden they are warped into a dimension where Earth is inhabited by wereanimals! They even become humans in animal clothing (if you get the metaphor). All rights to characters belong to their respective owners. Rated T because of Junior.
1. Prologue: Dimensional Screw-ups

**Before the chapter starts, I need to clear up a couple of things.**

**1.) Here is how to distinguish what text says:**

"Do you wonder why we're here?" = **someone is physically talking (with their mouth).**

_It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't_ _it. _**= someone is thinking (unless it's a "taxonomal" name of an organism).**

"_Hello__._" **= Lopez saying the Spanish version of what he meant to say.**

**2.) Their will no major mature and abosolutely no sexual content of any kind, and yes that includes swear words. Even in the dream flashbacks in the future chapters.**

**3.) This takes place in between Red vs. Blue Season 11 episodes 5 & 6, and Legends of Chima Season 1 episodes 9 & 10.**

**Now on to the prologue.**

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><p>It was another day on Chorus. Washington &amp; Tucker were constructing the satellite tower, Caboose was building Freckles, Sarge, Simmons, and Grif just built Lopez 2.0, and Donut &amp; Lopez were at Valhalla, Doc was with the two and... spitting into a cup? "What are you doing?"<p>

"Saliva contains DNA, and I'm collecting our saliva in case we somehow transform into bloodthirsty monsters that will eat each others' flesh."

"_That's improbable._"

"That's scary! I'm going to spit too!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in Chima, it was another crocodile attack on the Lion Temple. The outcome was the same, but the events inside the temple were different. It was the usual fight between Laval &amp; Cragger. Cragger accidentally drops his chi which falls into the Great Pool. "What's happening!" He was knocked out by the light and the crocodiles were forced to retreat with their new king. "Dad, what just happened?"<p>

"Even I do not know son, I don't know."

* * *

><p>"Donut, why are you glowing blue?"<p>

"The same things happening to you!"

"_What in the heck is going on?_"

"Get the DNA samples in case we transform into monsters!"

"Alright, got them!" The light soon engulfed the 2 and landed them in a blue vortex with the other Blood Gulch Crew members. Simmons was already in fear. "Oh, not again!"

"Or maybe we are dead this time!"

"I still want to be either alive or a cowboy!"

"I think we're reaching the end of the portal!"

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><p><strong>And there you have it folks, the start of my 2nd crossover story (in general)! See you next time, everyone!<strong>


	2. Chapter 1: King of the Idiots

**You know what, I'm just going to do this from each of the guys' perspective. Except for Donut & Doc, for reasons you might already know about. First up, Washington.**

* * *

><p>Washington woke up in a daze, one moment he was at the communications tower with Tucker, then he was glowing blue and sucked into a portal to who knows where. <em>What was that about? <em>He needed to think about it. just then he noticed his hands. They weren't in his armor, were covered in tan fur, had only four fingers on each hand, and each of them had claws. _What happened in the portal?_ His feet had the same criteria, though there were toes not fingers. He instinctively raced to a nearby river to see his reflection. What he saw was instead of a human, the reflection had a humanoid lion.

"WHAT THE HECK?!" There was no denying it. _Okay, Wash, calm down. This is probably all a dream. If it isn't, you just need to find signs of civilization, then find the others._ Wash turned around to see an entire brigade of crocodile-designed vehicles heading the direction he was. "Oh my god!" Wash ducked for cover. No one driving those things noticed him.

"Why do cars hate me?" Wash first had to scavenge his armor and help build one designed to be suitable to his new form. _If I was turned into a humanoid animal, then what did the others become?_ Wash turned the other way the crocodile cars were headed to find a temple designed after a lion which was below a levitating moutain with waterfalls and lion, eagle, crocodile, gorilla, wolf, rhino, bear, and raven head formations on it. "I just have the feeling this is going to be a turn for the worst!"

* * *

><p>Longtooth was away from the others in the Lion Temple who was at a telescope on the outer walls. He caught sight of Wash as a lion. "King Lagravis, you might want to see this." Lagravis with Laval met up with Longtooth. "What is the trouble?"<p>

"A lion was almost roadkill from the crocodiles' vehicles!"

"Any details?"

"He seemed to have some sort of shattered cobalt armor."

"None of ours lions ever had that sort of armor."

"I think he spotted us."

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><p><strong>Here you have it, the first official chapter of Red vs. Blue: Animalisticated! A short one, but something thats is somewhat significant. If you want someone else from the Blood Gulch Crew to appear in the following chapters, post a review for it. Once we get to final guy, the story then plays itself out from then on out. So this is Saurian65 signing out.<strong>


	3. Chapter 2: More Cabooses!

**By request of AnonymousZGirl, the next chapter is about Caboose.**

* * *

><p>Caboose woke up on a cliff. He noticed something about it, there were a tribe of rhino people below. "I will greet them with a proper greeting." Caboose jumped down the cliff and into the tribe below. The rhino people noticed him. "My name is Michael J. Caboose. And I hate Texes!" The rhinos then said their names simoutaneously.<p>

"Hello rhino people whose names I don't understand." Caboose spotted a store. Of course there were rhinos running it. The rocks reminded Caboose of the bomb Andrew D. Kaboom, it even had an A.I. so it could talk, and understand alien languages. Caboose decided to go to the store so that he will always know Andy. The rhinos were still running the shop. "Rocks here. Get your rocks here."

"Hi. I would like that one, and that one, and that one, and that one, and that one."

"Alright." Although Caboose is unaware that he was a rhino, he just went along with everything that the rhinoceros tribe threw at him. One of the rhinos walked up to him "Are you friends with those rocks just like me and mine?"

"Yes, and also a computer program based on a Director guy who had another computer program based on him. That confuses me too." The rhino just walked away. Caboose decided to walk around the town. "This is the best day ever!"

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><p><strong>Oh, Caboose! Well that's Wash &amp; Caboose are done with their chapters, now for the rest next time.<strong>


	4. Chapter 3: Wolfenized

**By request of AnonymousZGirl, the next chapter is about Simmons.**

* * *

><p>Simmons found himself in the middle of a tribal village."What the heck? Sarge? Grif? Lopez? Where are you guys?" Simmons then noticed something, there were no humans in the village. Instead there were, werewolves?! <em>Werewolves?! I thought they didn't exist!<em> Simmons then found his armor shattered into pieces!

Simmons then noticed that he felt only 4 fingers. One of them was missing. Worse his hand was covered in grey fur and had claws on the ends. _What?_ Simmons noticed a wolf-designed semi-truck. He managed to sneak past some wolves. 3 of them were having a conversation. One was with grey fur, one had black fur, and one had grey fur with a scar in his left eye.

* * *

><p>"Did you hear that incident in the Lion Temple?"<p>

"I can't believe Cragger's chi was dropped into the Great Pool!"

"Now who knows what would happen! Last time some animals were phased into another dimension!"

"Winzar, that was not the worst of the stuff that can happen!"

"What are we going to do?"

"Until we get the proper intel, I don't have an idea."

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><p>Simmons didn't care about the conversation, he just wanted to get out of here! When he approached the truck he saw his reflection, HE was a werewolf! "No, this has to be a dream! This has to be!"<p>

Simmons was then spotted by the same werewolves. "Uh... Hi?"

"What are you doing?"

"Umm... just checking the truck?"

"I don't remember you from the rest of the tribe!"

"Um... do you know about the many worlds theory?"

"No..."

"It says that when you do something, you don't do it in a different universe."

"Well that's weird."

"For example, there's a universe where I didn't get caught by you guys."

"I think we get it."

"There's also a universe where we don't have this conversation."

"Okay, okay!"

"There's also a universe where the dinosaurs didn't go extinct."

"Will you stop!"

"There's also a universe where Snowball Earth remained as it was."

"Is there no end!"

"There's also a universe where Earth didn't collide with Thea."

"I'm so annoyed I can't here myself think!"

"There's also a universe where the Big Bang didn't happen, which would that universe non-existant."

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

* * *

><p><strong>A wolf's worst nightmare. And I know Simmons being an eagle instead a wolf is more logical, but the reason icludes a certain aqua-armored individual, a gag from Red vs. Blue Season 1, and an idea in the most recent review for this story. 3 characters left.<strong>


	5. Chapter 4: Sarge and the Morons

**By yet another request from AnonymousZGirl, the next chapter is about Sarge.**

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><p>Sarge woke up in a cave of some sort. Water was leaking from the ceiling. Sarge got up on his arms &amp; legs and saw his reflection in a nearby puddle. Though the puddle instead reflected back a humanoid crocodile. <em>Well that's just great!<em> He was then spotted by 2 crocodiles. One of them was brown and had a metal jaw, and the other had olive green scales. "Who are you?"

"Screw that, why does the brown guy have a metal jaw?"

"Accident in training."

"Well I knew a guy that's now 1/8 cyborg during a misadventure in a boxed canyon in the middle of nowhere."

"What?"

"Long story. Got any vehicles I can use, I got the feeling the rest of my squad is out there somewhere. What other types of animals are around these parts?"

"Wolves, eagles, ravens, gorillas, rhinos, bears, beavers, a fox, a peacock, a skunk, and... grrr! Lions. What are you doing?"

"How else am I going to get to find the rest of my squad!" Sarge then took off in one of their trucks, though was then going in all directions. "No! Come on! Why in Sam Hill are there six pedals if there are only four directions?!" The olive crocodile stared at the brown one. "Made that myself?"

* * *

><p>"Crug, why would someone want to drive one of our vehicles if you designed six pedals for four directions?"<p>

"Because I'm bad at math."

"And also science, mechanical engineering, english, and history. Leave the vehicle designing to me!"

The two were then pulled into a nearby hallway and knocked out. "Sounds a lot like Caboose with Shiela."

"_I miss her._"

"Yeah, our vehicles have some of the worst designs."

"Both of you, shut up! Activate your disguises." The figures did so. "Umm... we have a problem."

"What?"

"I'm supposed to be the olive green guy, not the brown one."

"_That's because you two idiots grabbed the wrong adative camouflague units._"

"It doesn't matter, we just need to get below the swamp. From then on out we should be able to complete our objective."

"Alright then."

* * *

><p><strong>Any of you that can put two and two together can now figure out what happened to Donut, Doc, and Lopez. But the guy they are with and this "objective" are going to be explained in a future chapter. Alright, the only ones left are Tucker &amp; Grif. Stay tuned!<strong>


	6. Chapter 5: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERDS!

**By request of AnonymousZGirl, the next chapter is about Tucker.**

* * *

><p>Tucker found himself on a launch platform section of a building on a mountain shaped like an eagle. He then noticed his aqua...turquoise? Teal? Sky blue? whatever. His armor was in pieces. Then he felt something similar too a 2nd pair of arms, no... wings?! <em>What the heck?!<em> Another thing, he felt he was missing 4 fingers & toes. He saw his reflection in one of the nearby eagle-designed jets. His reflection had an eagle. "What?"

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing. Hey I need to find the rest of my squad. Can I borrow you jet?"

"Sure." Tucker then climbed in. "Alright, how do you fly?"

"See that ignition coil?'

"Yes?"

"Pull it."

"Done."

"Now pull up the landing gear."

"How?"

"Pull up the wheel."

"Okay!" Tucker then accidentally broke it. "Dang it? Any other way?"

"A teleporter."

"Ah, jeez!"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Alright."

"How about we just repair my armor?"

"Alright."

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, next time we're doing Grif.<strong>


	7. Chapter 6: Hey There True Dreamers!

**Now, finally, for Grif's chapter. The final character chapter** **until the point to explain what happened to Donut, Doc, and Lopez. And also the need to explain the backstory of the guy they are with. Anyways, now to begin the chapter.**

* * *

><p>Grif woke up in a tribe of humanoid bears with fish in the sky, and beehives in all the trees. The bears even had light rods! "What?" He then came across a pond. He looked into it to find he transformed into a gorilla, his armor even adapted to his new form! "What the heck?!" He was seen by one of the bears. "Hello."<p>

"What is going on?!"

"We bears always dream about this kind of stuff."

"I think this is the most random thing ever!"

"Never in my life has a gorilla had a bear dream."

"I'm lazy as heck."

"Well that explains it."

"Nice yellow armor by the way."

"It's orange! Some say this armor id orange!" Grif just walked away. He then encountered an ordinary bear. "Ummm..." Grif ran away, with the bear in pursuit. He eventually ran off a cliff."

* * *

><p>"Dude, are you going to wake up?" Gorzan wasn't with the other members of the Gorilla Tribe to check on a gorilla who just fell from the sky and had shattered yellow armor. "Dude, I repaired you armor!" Grizzam then walked up to him. "Who's this dude?"<p>

"I don't know dude. He just fell from the sky with shattered yellow armor."

"Is this dude going to be okay."

"We just have to wait, dude." The gorilla then woke up suddenly. "AH! HUMANOID BEARS! I WAS A GORILLA! FLYING FISH! BEEHIVES ON EVERY SINGLE TREE! LIGHT RODS! A GIANT ORDINARY BEAR! I FELL OFF A CLIFF!" Gorzan, Grizzam, and the rest of the Gorilla Tribe stared at him. "What?"

* * *

><p><strong>And that's about it. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.<strong>


	8. Chapter 7: Convienience is Maroon

Sarge was driving the taken crocodile truck after learning how to drive, he was heading toward the Wolf Tribe to check things out there. _If its a Red: I recruit, if its a Blue: I shoot._

* * *

><p>"There's also a universe where the Carboniferous period didn't catch on fire."<p>

"Please stop!"

"Hey you four!

"What the? Sarge?"

"Simmons is that you?"

"Sarge you're a... werecrocodile?"

"I guess that's the correct term."

"What is going on?"

"Shut up. Simmons, meet me at the crocodile truck I snatched at the Crocodile Tribe I landed in."

* * *

><p>Cragger woke up in a dark room. He realised he wasn't in that endless fog any more. "What happened?" He caught sight of sort of animal and a screen <em>Am I dead?<em> Then another animal walked in. "Our operatives are in position, Director."

"Good, send them in."

"If I may say, sir. My testing indicates this might might not best team for the job."

"The system will determine what's best, counselor. The system will determine the order. Send them in." Now Cragger was even more confused "What is going on." There was also a chart with 1|Carolina, 2|York, 3|Wyoming, 4|South Dakota, 5|North Dakota, and 6|Washington. There was also some sort of thing that showed where these operatives were at their respective locations at that location. Even other animals were on that thing. Just then one of them is killed by one of the operatives. Then another was pushed of a cliff by the same operative. Then it killed another, then snuck past 4 others. Though it was caught by another animal. The 4|South Dakota, and 5|North Dakota started glowing red.

The other one entered the scene, then it evolved into a killing spree with the other Dakota. Later both Dakotas were cornered. _Why is this happening to me?!_ He then heard a somewhat familiar voice. "Situation is critical, sir. Should we do something?"

"Yes. Send her in."

"Roger that. Come in #1, you are green."

"Activate failsafe."

"Copy, sir. Initiate failsafe." Cragger then turned his attention to the building thing. This, Carolina, snuck and killed some of the animals. The Dakotas soon joined in. He then heard a female voice, not Crooler but someone else. "Come in, command. We have wounded, you need to get us out of here! Right now!" But a jet-thing as already there. Carolina then grabbed the Dakotas and jumped onto it. The three then went inside and flew away, just before the building exploded?

"What's going on?" Cragger just had to wake up. But he somwhow couldn't. He was horrified by the fact of being dead. Cragger then had to endure what happens from then on out.

* * *

><p>Wash the headed toward the temple with his armor, he had to get help from there. Once he got to the lions at the top he was approached by one of them. "Where did you come from?"<p>

"I'd tell you, but you wouldn't believe me."


	9. Chapter 8: Turquoise in the Slightest

"Alright, the teleporter is complete, your armor has been rebuilt. You're good to go!"

"Okay, then. One. Two..." Tucker then ran in.

* * *

><p>Cragger thought about what happened to him. The advanced technology, the familiar voices, it didn't make sense. Cragger then heard a voice, it was him, but not really him talking to this Director. "Okay, well I just ran everything again, all calculations are up to date taking into account standard relays for communication and reponse time. I say our window looks good!"<p>

"I agree."

"Well you should! Sure would make the same calculations I did, just, you know, more slowly."

"Arrogance is a rather on-becoming trait, Alpha."

"Are you seriously giving me a lecture on arrogance right now? Phthp, that's something you don't deserve." Then an aqua-armored female of the same species walked in. "Director?"

"Log off."

"Yeah, yeah. Way ahead of you." Cragger then found himself sucked into the console. What was going on anymore! He knocked himself out just thinking about it.

* * *

><p>"And then we got sent here as animals."<p>

"Wow. I can't believe the kind of stuff you've been through."

"It was hard, but I pulled through. Though, right now my armor needs modifications & repairs to suit my new for..."

"THREE!"

"Woah!"

"Oh, my god! Tucker? is that you?"

"Yeah... man I hate this black stuff."

"So you're an eagle, not a crow."

"Actually there's ravens instead of those kind of birds."

"How many debriefings do we need?!"

* * *

><p>"Alright, Simmons. Here's the plan: we find Donut &amp; Lopez 2.0, and find a way to get out of this place."<p>

"What about Grif?"

"I guess we can accidentally find Grif along the way, like a former plan I thought up."

"Let's just go, I call the turret." Then the two hopped in. But, Worriz snuck on at that point to find out further what was going on.


	10. Chapter 9: Hippie Grif

Cragger woke up in a room with some sort of white entity. He tried to talk to it but realized he can't hear him. Then the Counselor's voice was heard. "Are you there, Alpha? Are you there?"

"Yes. I'm... I'm here. Hello? Don't you... hey, Counselor are you here?!"

"I am here."

"What happened? Is everybody okay?"

"Perhaps you should ask the Director."

"Why? Does that mean something happened?"

"Hello, Alpha."

"Director, please! What is going on?!"

"There was another incident. Security failed."

"Is it the schematics? They're too complex? I just need more time to work on them!"

"It's not your fault."

"How can you say that? Of course it is! Was anybody hurt?"

"I am sorry. Yes. Washington and another died." Cragger started getting suspicious. How can Washington be dead if he just saw him in a vision? Alpha then interrupted his thoughts. "Who?!"

"I can't say."

"Who?! Who died?!"

"Agent Texas."

"No! No! God! No!"

* * *

><p>Sarge &amp; Simmons ended up in a Gorilla Tribe, which was where Grif was. "Hey, is any of you go by the name of Donut or Senior el Roboto?"<p>

"Sarge? Simmons?"

"Grif?"

"Thank god you're here! I've been with these hippies all day!"

"Wait, that's what they are? Gorilla hippies?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's what you get Grif for your insubordination in the past!"

"Dude, he can even have bear dreams."

"Bear dreams?"

'You don't want to know."

* * *

><p>Cragger woke up in a ton of pain, like some sort of gigantic spacecraft crashed. He found Alpha, but soon a black entity materialized. "Hey, there."<p>

"Huh? Oh, uh, hello. Who are you?"

"You don't know me?"

"Oh sorry, I'm just. Tired. really tired. My name is... uh."

"Your name is Alpha. You're Church."

"Right. Church. That's me. And you are."

"Let's just say we used to be together."

"Oh, okay."

"I need you to come with me."

"Oh, I don't think I can, but thanks. I think I'm just gonna stay here. You know, and rest."

"You don't wanna leave?"

"Na, I just... I don't think I can."

"Okay, maybe you just rest then."

"Yeah, but what was your name again?"

"It's Texas."

"Texas? Like a state?"

"Yeah."

"Funny name for a girl."

"Well Church is, a pretty funny name for a guy."

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"You gave me this name you know."

"I wonder why I did that."

"Well, maybe if you think about it, It'll come to you."

"Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna rest now. But thanks for coming by."

"Okay. You rest. Church?"

"Yeah?"

"Goodbye."

"Huh, I don't know why, but I hate goodbyes."

"Oh, me too."

"Okay, see you. State-name lady."

"Goodbye." Cragger started to wonder. _Has this all happened before?_ It made no sense like everything else.

* * *

><p>"Listen, Crooler! You have no right to do this!"<p>

"What makes you think I'm responsible."

"Cragger blaming the lions when he knows this is all truly his fault, a supply of persuader plants, the damage they can do!"

"Like what?"

"Crawley?"

"It's like the cliche mind control device or mind-controlling natural thing."

"What?"

"Just know this, if I ever get back to Chima once this is all over I'm coming for you. You can count on it."

* * *

><p>Cragger stared at aw what just happened outside. A bulky white figure had just removed the helmet off the same female, grabbed something from her neck off, and then threw her off a cliff. Texas was too late to do anything. She took off with 3 ghost-like figures popping up from the white brute with the red one saying 15 words: "You run, Agent Texas. We are the Meta, and we will find you. Very soon." They two took off with their captive "spirits". <em>How could they?<em> Cragger turned his attention to the Director & Counselor. "This seems like a major setback for us."

"Only momentarily, Counselor. We will recover. The Alpha will need to be moved though. Somewhere far from here. Somewhere no one knows who he is."

"He will need security detail. Someone we can trust. Might I suggest Flowers, sir?"

"Flowers? You mean Agent Florida?" A blue-armored animal walked in. "Ready for duty, sir. And might I say pleased as punch you picked me!"

"Hm. We'll need a good cover story to explain his disappearance. People will wonder what happened to Florida."

"Leave that all to me, sir."

"Very well. But security is not enough. The Alpha needs an anonymity. A place where no one will think to look for him."

"I believe I know exactly the place."

"Show me."

* * *

><p>"Well now we just have to find Caboose!"<p>

"From the the looks of things he's probably a rhino with the others."

"What are the rhinos?"

"A herd of idiots."

"Okay then."

"They don't even know the world is composed of rocks!"

"It is?"

"Even you didn't know?"

"Uh..."

"Forget it, let's just go."


	11. Chapter 10: Pack That Gear Up!

"Did they come out!? Tucker!" Cragger was instantly woken up by the sudden shout. They were testing a teleporter by throwing rocks threw it. Why do rhinos think that's money. Anyways, he's had to put up with an amnesiac Alpha who thinks he's a human thanks to the Director and Counselor, Agent Florida undercover to take care of Alpha, and an annoying rookie. "Can't I get some relaxation around here?!" He was too mad to know no one to hear and see him. Tucker then answered back to Alpha. "What?!"

"Did it come out the other side?!"

"Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!"

"What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here?!"

"What, that would never work!" Just then Captain Flowers walked outside with teal armor instead his blue armor in order to cover his tracks as a Freelancer. "Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?"

"Be right there, Captain Flowers." The 3 then began conversation. "How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Church?"

"Fine. Little warm, but, okay."

"That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know."

"Umm... Okay."

"What's up, sir?"

"Sir, Tucker... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic."

"You got it, Cappy."

"I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch."

"Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?"

"Yeah, you know, the enemy?"

"I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those red guys."

"Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive."

"I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive."

"Can it."

"See?"

"Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy."

"Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?"

"Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain. Butch. Flowers."

"Don't you mean Agent Florida." Cragger then realized about the fact the he's just a ghost to the 3. "Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?"

"I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker. But I need to get some shut-eye first."

"Awesome. But it's like 3:15 in the afternoon."

"You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker."

"Oh yeah, it's like 3:18. Why the heck is daylight savings time here only three minutes?"

"Good question, Private Tucker. It'll have to wait for another day, some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking good looks."

"That's true."

* * *

><p>"Have we got everything?"<p>

"Yes we do."

"Alright, Caboose should be at the Rhino Tri... what the heck's that music?" _Tejango_ music was playing from a crocodile truck which screeched to a halt in front of the Lion Temple. A crocodile, wolf and gorilla climbed out and went up to the top. "Hello! Do any of you go by the name of Donut or Senior el Roboto?!"

"What? Red team?"

"What? The blues?!"

"Everyone except Church & Caboose."

"Thank god for Caboose not being here."

"Do you know these guys?"

"Yes. They were the reds stationed at Blood Gulch."

"I don't think that was a good idea."

"What did you expect? Project freelancer assigned posts with soldiers with low test scores."

"Hey! It's important that I know the information, not how fast I know it!"

"Uhhh... okay?"

"And don't get me started on the #2 pencils!"

"What?"

* * *

><p>"No Tucker, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain?" Cragger was just as surprised at what happned to Florida. Alpha went to examine him. "Oh my god! He's dead Tucker. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep."<p>

"Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day. I got dibs on the armor!"


	12. Chapter 11: Smartest Isn't the Best Word

"Alright, we'll look for Caboose in the Rhino Tribe..."

"Do we have to?"

"...while you go search for Donut & Lopez."

"Rightio, blue!"

"Ugggh, let's just go.

* * *

><p>"What are they doing?"<p>

"What?" Cragger was now getting annoyed by Tucker's constant question just as Alpha. "I said what are they doing now?"

"God! I'm getting so sick of answering that question!"

"You have a rifle! I can't see that far! Don't start to rant about me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and do no-"

"Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from _now_, when you ask me, 'What are they doing?' my answer's gonna be, 'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there.'"

"What're they talking about?"

"You know what? I hate you!"

* * *

><p>"Where's the rock quarry again?"<p>

"Just follow me!"

"What happens when we get there?"

"We just get Caboose to join us."

"To do what?"

"Help find a way to get back to the crash site and fix the comm. tower!"

"Alright! ...I wonder what the reds are doing."

"How am I supposed to know? Hey, Tucker. Why are you flying."

"'Cause its easier to get around. By the way, I never knew why the gorillas aren't the smartest tribe, but the eagles are."

"That's because they're basically hippies."

"I just know this is going to be a turn for the worst!"

"That's what I said!"

* * *

><p>Cragger then was still with the blues spying on the reds. Eventually, one of them drove up a vehicle. Which didn't have it styled after their species, unlike the animals in Chima. "What is that thing?"<p>

_Dang it Tucker! Can't I get one moment to myself!_

"I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it."

"A car? How come they get a car?!"

"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

"What kind of car even is it?"

"I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind."

"...What, like a puma?"

"Yeah, man, there you go."

_What's a puma?_

* * *

><p>"Alright we're here!<p>

"Caboose!"

"I am here Agent Washington!"

"Caboose, uhhh... how can I put this? You're a-"

"A what?"

"A rhino."

"What's a rhino?"

"It's a giant herbivorous African & Asian animal, like an elephant."

"What does herbivorous mean?"

"Something eats plants."

"Ohhhhh... what's a rhino again?"

"I don't get paid enough for this!"

* * *

><p>"So I say to the guy, 'How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship,' and I go, 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"<p>

"Hey, kid."

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

"Oh. Okay You got it man!"

"You know what? I could blow up the whole dang world with this thing." Cragger was still fine with Alpha, starting to tolerate Tucker, but now a cliche military rookie. "You know what? Forget what I said before. I think I know what kind of car the reds have."

"Oh man, listen to you. Do you really know?"

"...No."

* * *

><p>"Hello! Do any of you go by the name of Donut or Senior el Roboto?" The bear tribe was asleep. "Well there goes the neighborhood."<p>

"Great, insurbodinate and diesrepectful slackers, and now we're dealing with lazy bones that are too lazy to answer questions and keep on sleeping! And that just won't do."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm doing a gunpoint to the forehead, then we'll see who's lazy."

"That's the worst idea I ever heard!"

"Sorry! I can't hear you! They're snoring to loud!"


	13. Chapter 12: Cragger and the Alpha (1)

**Since this is going to take to long, I'm going to dedicate the next 5 chapters to Cragger's subconscious being treated to Alpha's life from the rest of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Starting with the rest of Season 1. I'll also include where the individual episodes end. Also this is all from Cragger's point of view until the chapters are all up.**

* * *

><p>"Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home."<p>

"Oh, yeah? Girlfriend or wife?"

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works." I actually didn't know how that worked. the conversation went on. "Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?"

"I'm not gonna get married."

"I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you blab all day, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."

"Great." I immediately knew that meant keep him occupied so that the other two will not be annoyed by him. "See, we've got this General..."

"Right, the General guy."

"...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?"

"We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

"You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue."

"It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."

"Right."

"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him." Yep they definitely didn't want to be annoyed. But just when Caboose was about to stand at attendance for as long as necessary. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there, and don't come out!" After that, Alpha turned to Tucker. "Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

"You mean he's dumber than you are."

"Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back." Just then. "Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?"

"Oh my god, WHAT!? Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!"

"Sorry about saying that I'm not getting married."

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!" Tucker laughed. "Tucker, are you laughing at me?"

"Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?" That wasn't Caboose! But Alpha didn't notice the change of tone of voice. "

"Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!"

"What did I do?"

"One..."

"Aw, gimme a break."

"TWO..."

"Fine!"

"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me? I can't drive that thing."

"You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?"

"No! ...Oh my god! Who is running this army!?" Just then Caboose exited the base. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron!" Alpha turned his attetention to Tucker again. "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the dang thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?"

* * *

><p>Alpha, Tucker, and Caboose were then searching for the guy that stole the flag. "Let me get this straight.. You gave this guy our flag?"<p>

"Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god dang base!"

"There, there he is." Alpha looked through the rifle. "Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

"He must be one smart guy."

"Oh, no... Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It's red."

"Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant." He didn't sound like one. And he thought the base must have been a store because he was told to. "Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

"Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing."

"Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then."

"Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge." What came out of the barrel wasn't chi blasts, but something else. He fired 4 times but missed everytime. The red-armored guy shouted so loud we heard him from all the way at the base. "OH MY GOD!"

"Aw dang it. What?"

"You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?" The red-armored guy was then running around waving the flag but no one could hear him this time. "Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing."

"Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass."

"Right!"

"Tucker, you ready? Let's go."

"There is no way I'm going through that thing."

"Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"

"I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?"

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"

"We threw rocks through it!"

"Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff."

"Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you." Alpha then raised the gun. "You wouldn't..."

"You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

"For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted. Now get in there."

"Dang it... Alright. One, two..." Tucker went through, but... "...Huh, he didn't come out the other side..."

"Yeeaahhh, I've uh- I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter. Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!"

* * *

><p>Alpha soon caught up with the "human" who somehow managed to get the flag. "Freeze!"<p>

"Hey, why the heck are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, jerk!"

"Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private."

"Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!"

"Yeah, that's what I just said."

"Well then how the heck did you manage to steal our flag?"

"Steal? I have no idea what the heck you're talking about!" A black-armored guy came out of the teleporter. "Three!"

"JESUS!"

"OH MY GOD! Who is this guy?"

"What in the heck?! Tucker? Is that you?"

"How did you get up here ahead of me?"

"And what's with that black stuff on your armor?"

"Hey! Freeze, Sarge!"

"Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private."

"The sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time. Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, 'What the heck kind of a car is that?'"

"Tucker? What the heck are you babbling about?"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted."

"Is this guy a retard?"

"Red: Shut up. Tucker: Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC?!" The same car from earlier drove up to where Alpha, tucker, and the private were with the driver shouting, "Woohoo!" The one at the gun then opened fire upon the two "blues". "Oh my god!"

"Oh my god! Run! Jesus! Run!"

"The jeep followed me back in time!"

"Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!" The two were forced to hide behind rocks for protection. The red firing at us shouted the same stuff over and over. "That's right! That's right, I got your butt! Get off your butt and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!" I wasn't aware of this earlier, but somehow I can only stay with the Alpha, so I also had to endure this from the "A.I."'s perpective. "Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time." Oh so that's what fires out of human weapons."

* * *

><p>Several minutes later were still hiding behind the rocks. "My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?"<p>

"You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank."

"Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?"

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya." The bullets then stopped coming. "Psst, hey, they stopped firing."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Uhm... I don't know."

"Hey, uh, Church, the reds got out of the jeep."

"Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone."

"Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it."

* * *

><p>"I'm going for the jeep. Cover me." Alpha then did so. But suddenly a tank opened fired on the car. "OH MY GOD!"<p>

"OH MY GOD!"

"OH MY GOD!" The same tank then opened fire at the reds until they hid behind a rock, apparantly seeking heat the reds out off, and always saying before firing the barrel: "Firing main cannon." Alpha met up with Tucker. "Hey dude, the jeep blew up."

"No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker." Once the reds hid, the tank assumed that they were killed. "All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target."

"Hey, Tucker, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds."

"What? No way!"

"Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?" Suddenly the tank pointed at Alpha. "New target acquired." Caboose however was still at the controls. "That's not a target. That's Church!"

"Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?"

"Target locked."

"What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!"

"Firing main cannon."

"Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh."

"What? What? ..Oh my go-" Alpha was then blasted and knocked onto the ground. Tucker watched the whole thing. "Oh my god! Church, are you okay?" Alpha didn't respond. tucker turned his attention to the tank. "You shot Church, you team-killing maniac!"

"Auto-fire sequence deactivated." Alpha was then saying his "final words" to Tucker. "Tucker! ...T-Tucker!"

"Church! It's going to be okay, man."

"No. Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

"Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you jerk."

"Okay. Herk!...Bleah..." Alpha then logged off only for me going immediately after blind. It was like if my egg was cracked where both my eyes were! I then blacked out.

* * *

><p>I woke up with Alpha only to find a similar cobalt-armored figure. Alpha acted like someone would do if aomeone came back from being dead. "What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?" No he wasn't. The other human then continued conversation. "Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot." No that was the tank. Alpha then responded back. "So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?" I was blind again! Alpha was about to log off! "What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest."<p>

"Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence..." I then blacked out again."

* * *

><p>I woke up again to find Alpha with Tucker and Caboose, talking to them a ghostly voice: "Tucker... Tucker.."<p>

"Who the heck are you?!"

"I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!"

"You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white!"

"Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

"Yeah, that's definitely him."

"Now I gotta start over again. Tucker... Tucker...! I've come back with a warning!"

"Is it _really_ necessary to do the voice?"

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying."

"Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"What's the warning?"

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. Okay, here's the deal-"

"Is this the warning?"

"Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your butt is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me."

"Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?" Yeah, at least that you were supposed to remember. Tucker responded. "No."

"Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?"

"Yes."

"Cool! What was that like?"

"Um.. it was cold."

"What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really.. freakin'... cold."

"Will you just let him talk?"

"Alright, well one day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember.. I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him."

"D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?"

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, ranting about the cold, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home, and that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder. He whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it."

"Wait a second.. how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming. Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

"If he was on a killing spree, why didn't he kill you?"

"To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before."

"Where?" It was on the Freelancer ship I woke up in. But he still didn't hear me. "You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married." I then went blind. "Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here."

"Okay."

"I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it." I then blacked out.

* * *

><p>I woke up again to the top of Blue Base with Alpha saying in an abnormal voice: "Blue Team: flag returned."<p>

"What the...? Who said that?"

"Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

"Hey, it's Church!"

"Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose."

"Hey, Church, what're you up to?"

"Caboose, ahahahah, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

"Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that."

"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?"

"I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease."

"Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That Sidewinder is cold..?!"

"What was the OTHER one thing I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?"

"Right. And what did you do?"

"..We let him get involved."

"And not just a little involved. How involved?"

"Very, very involved." Caboose then pulled out the sniper rifle at Red Base. "Yep, he's definitely captured... or dead... captured or dead. ... or captured AND dead!"

"Oh, well that's just PERFECT!"

"What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

"I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

"She?" Last time I remembered, she was a female.

* * *

><p>"Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living heck out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the heck out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a girl? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"<p>

"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary."

"I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me."

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you."

"I like me..."

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a girl? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh... because she's from Texas." Caboose just stared at Alpha. "Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this _really_ aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than heck." I last recounted that time with Alpha & Tex talked, how they got into the computer meant she was A.I. too. Caboose continued conversation. "A.I... What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial."

"..What's the I-"

"Intelligence."

"Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?"

"Let's move on."

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?"

"Oh heck no. She's always been a jerk. It's just now she's a jerk with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper."

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a robot!"

"Yeah... that's right... I'm a robot. Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ..mission statement?"

"I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

"Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" Then he realized how. "...Oh dang it..."

* * *

><p>Tucker then came out of the other end of the teleporter. "Are you okay, Tucker?"<p>

"Yeah, I'm fine. Come on, Caboose!"

"Does it hurt?!"

"No, not at all!"

"Okay! Here I come!" Caboose then went through the teleporter. "Does it hurt for real?"

"Ohh, yeah. Big time." Caboose went out the other end in pain. "You lied to me." The blues then went to the assigned positions, Alpha was the springer, while Tucker & Caboose were the decoys. The driver of the car went out first. "Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

"Roger that."

"Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention."

"Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio."

"I said, just keep movin-"

"I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

"Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war." Alpha then went inside Red base and went up to top of the base. The only ones there were possibly the real sergeant, the driver, and a brown-armored human. Or was it. Alpha went inside the sergeant's helmet and some how took control, but not before the red-armored human going "Higakerker."

"Sir, are you okay?"

"Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?"

"No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding." Lopez then hit the driver. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?"

"Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit!" It then did something that was best for the 3 to discuss. "...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really freaking gross." Alpha then went downstairs to where the reds were holding Tex. "Hey, man. What's up, yo?"

"Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?"

"What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."

"Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ..other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you."

"Sarge, I'm starting to think that-" Alpha then hit the maroon human. "Ow, geez, the back of my head!"

"What the heck are you doing?!"

"Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you."

"You're kind of short to be Church."

"What? Oh yeah, right. The armor." Alpha then got out of the guy's helmet. "What in Sam Hill? Where the- Who spit on my visor?"

"Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter."

"...Okay."

"What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No. It pretty much all makes sense."

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?"

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious..."

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here." Alpha then re-entered the sergeant's helmet again and the two escaped. "Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!" Just he was shot in the head and the sergeant was knocked out. "What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!"

"Tucker did it!"

* * *

><p>Next thing I knew, I was sucked into the sergeant's head. I then found myself in a foggy version of the canyon I was currently in. I then heard something. "Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?"<p>

"Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here."

"What is this place?"

"Well, that's.. kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are."

"Am I dead?'

"Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here."

"Are you some kinda angel?"

"Aheh heh heh.. am I an angel. Uh, yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in."

"Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any.. I mean, my wallet's back in the car."

"Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh.. that's too bad. Pretty stupid reason to be sent to Hell for an eternity."

"I don't remember dyin'."

"Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that."

"Hold on a second, that ain't fair."

"Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank." I then heard the same voice it said when it did something. "Target locked." That's just great! The tank doesn't talk, it was just another A.I. all along! "Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!" "Shiela" then drove off. We then heard the driver's voice. "Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!"

"Who is that? Who's there?"

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you." We then saw the driver hitting "Sarge" with his own gun. Oh, and the maroon guy was also there. "You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!"

"That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!"

"He can't hear you."

"Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else."

"If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving."

"...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth."

"I'm leaving."

"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me."

"Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me."

"Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks."

"Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?"

"Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him.. he was my son."

"No way! The orange guy is your son?"

"Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance."

"He's breathing! We saved Sarge!"

"I'm what?"

"He's what?"

"Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me."

"What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!"

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella!" Sarge's voice was fading away, and I went blind! "Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!" I then blacked out.

* * *

><p>I woke up to an argument between Alpha &amp; Tex. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you."<p>

"I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the heck are you square with me?"

"Because _I_ didn't kill you back at Sidewinder."

"You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor."

"Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now."

"No, you can't! I'm already dead, jerk! I guess the joke's on you!" Caboose and Tucker then intervened. "Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?"

"What about you?"

"We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!"

"Well yeah, but..."

"Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point."

"I did help them get the flag back."

"Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us."

"Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that."

"...Okay."

"Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you." Alpha, Tucker, and Caboose went to do a conversation in secret to Tex. "Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online."

"Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-" Tex then flipped Sheila on its treads. "Oh. She is a very strong lady."

"I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know."

"Great, I'll come with you!"

"That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose."

"Okay. What if I'm really... really...quiet?"

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?"

Caboose made it like it was a joke so he laughed. "Good one, Church."

"Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?"

"Uh, no..."

"Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that."

"Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement." Alpha then noticed something that didn't please him. At all. "Hey, Tucker!"

"What?!"

"What the heck is my body still doing up here?"

"That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet."

"Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the heck haven't you buried my body yet?"

"Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?"

"Well then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect."

"Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?" Tex noticed, but immediately went back to work. "That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!"

* * *

><p>Soon me, Alpha, Tucker, and Caboose were at Alpha's apparently deactivated robot frame. "I am not happy about this."<p>

"I have an idea. ...I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you."

"Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?"

"Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes."

"Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes." No, his frame will just reactivate. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that, like I keep forgetting sometimes. "Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that."

"I think you are a mean ghost."

"Dude, you really stink."

"What?"

"Your body, it stinks."

"Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

"Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it."

"It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest."

"Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?"

"Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?"

"Oh, God." We then turned our attention to Tex. "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?"

"Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."

"Oh, that's just fantastic."

"Why would that upset you?"

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die."

"The Reds dying is a good thing."

"No, Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head."

"A.I. ..."

"Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves..."

"If she leaves you won't ever find her again."

"Right."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank."

"You're switching sides?"

"Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice."

"Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here.. to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us..?"

"I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys." We then went to Red Base.

* * *

><p>Alpha then went up and entered Lopez, entirely, not through just his helmet this time. Lopez must be a robot. "What? What's wrong with Lopez?"<p>

"I don't care."

"Hey, Lopez, uh.. you okay, man?"

"_Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!_"

"Um... Sure..."

"_No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!_" Alpha then heard a radio transmission. "Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley." It then stopped, only for another to come through. "Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. How is your progression?"

"_Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!_" Alpha then turned his attention back to the Grif and the maroon human. "_A giant... tank__._"

"Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language."

"What country? We're on an alien planet."

"What're you, a communist?" Shiela then fired out of nowhere! "OH MY GOD!"

"OH MY GOD!"

"_OH MY GOD!_" The reds drove up in the car, but it got blown up. They then went back up to the top of the base, only for a pink-armored human to come up. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!"

"That girl in the black armor's back!"

"What girl? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

"That's the one."

"The same girl whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?"

"Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude.. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink."

"Ohho..! Oh, I been waiting for this. Hey, jerk! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!" " Donut then threw a grenade at Tex, and it actually made it. "Heck yeah! Three points, you maniac!" The grenade blew up soon after. "_Oh my god! No!_" Alpha then ran to Shiela. "_Tex! Tex!_" He managed to get to Tex, just before she was started to log off. "Church, is that you? It-It's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah..."

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, Season 1 complete. Now for Season 2 on Saturday.<br>**


	14. Chapter 13: Cragger and the Alpha (2)

**Here's Season 2.**

* * *

><p>Me, Alpha, Tucker, and Caboose were at Alpha &amp; Tex's graves. The blues managed to get Alpha to speak English... after six weeks. "Um... Maybe somebody should say something."<p>

"Okay, go ahead."

"Not me. I'm not gonna eulogize myself."

"What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means."

"Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved"

"No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up."

"We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end."

"Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock."

"Hey Tucker, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?"

"No, no no no, I fell for that last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds."

"Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here. I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue. "

* * *

><p>It had been 3 months, the medic the blues called for hasn't arrived yet, Alpha was painted cobalt, and I still don't know what's going on. "Hey, Church, we have a problem."<p>

"I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like."

"I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice."

"No, I didn't."

"Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-" I then immediately heard someone else. "Excuse me."

"Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, loo- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good."

"Excuse me."

"Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?"

"He's doing that thing again..."

"My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?"

"No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker."

"Yo!"

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the heck he's callin' himself."

"Why did you introduce me second?"

"Because he hates you."

"I received your call for a medic."

"Medic? That was like three months ago."

"Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?"

"I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?"

"Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down." That was where you tombstones were. "Oh. I'm sorry about your loss."

"What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do..."

"We didn't like her very much. She was mean to other people."

"Who's in the other grave?"

"That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave."

"... Uh huh... Of course."

"See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank."

"Or by the idiot driving it."

"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man... Who... is blue... "

"Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off."

"_Not entirely turned off, moron._"

"I'll go get the Spanish dictionary."

"Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"

"No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"You said they were shorting out."

"I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you!"

"Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way."

"Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?"

"No, I'm just gonna check your vitals."

"I bet I have better vitals than you!" Caboose then turned to Alpha. "...What's a vital?"

"On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"A conshe- who?"

"I'm a pacifist."

"You're a thing that babies suck on...?"

"No, dude, that's a pacifier."

"Exactly."

"Oh yeah, right. Man, I was _totally_ thinking about something else."

"That's real classy, Tucker."

"Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?"

"Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."

"I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"Man, that is so freakin' lame."

"I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help."

"Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand." Then it happened. "Yeah, just like that." Another shot. "SCATTER!"

* * *

><p>"Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice."<p>

"I didn't even know what half of that meant."

"Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."

"That rock? Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not have time to discuss this."

"Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich."

"Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire."

"Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."

"No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?" Alpha then turned to DuFresne. "Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!"

"My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne."

"Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc."

"I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic."

"What's the difference?"

"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die."

"Mental note: don't ever get shot."

"It's settled then. Your name is now Doc."

"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."

"Oh, trust us, it'll stick."

"Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position."

"I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist."

"Well then just get over there and yell 'bang bang bang'."

"Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive."

"Oh, come , come on."

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

"Huh. I see." Alpha then shot Caboose. "Ahow! My foot..."

"Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc."

"You know, you could have just asked nicely." The reds stopped firing, I could faintly hear Caboose. "I can't believe Church shot me."

"Oh don't even start, Caboose!" Tucker then noticed what else is happening. "Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?"

"I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo." I then heard Sarge. "Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

"Surrender?"

* * *

><p>"Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... What're your terms?!"<p>

"Their what?" The conversation continued. "Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!"

"Uh oh."

"You may know him as Señor El Roboto!"

"Well, Church, what's it gonna be?"

"Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!"

"Uh.. Uh, he's not here any more!"

"Yeah, he left! He was all like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!"

"That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!"

"A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there."

"Hey, Doc. How's the patient?"

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive."

"He's talking about Caboose, right?"

"No, I mean his toe. How's the toe I shot?"

"What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago."

"Rest in peace, pinkie toe... You shall be avenged!"

"Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."

"Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!"

"You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"

"We've already got that! What else do you have?!"

"What do you want?!"

"How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!"

"What if we admit that one of us sucks?!" Twenty minutes of discussion and we're ready. "Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!" The reds went first with Grif embarrassing himself. "I would just like to let everyone know.. that I suck!"

"And?!"

"And that I'm a girl!"

"What else?!"

"And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!"

"Okay, is that good enough?!"

"Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc."

* * *

><p>"Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"<p>

"Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. Alright. Stand back. Huhrur...! Heeungh...! Hoom...!"

"Anything?"

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere..."

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Huroor...! Oh! Hey!"

"Found it?"

"Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing."

"Celsius, Tucker."

"Oh come on, dude, Celsius sucks. Hey, I found something." The rest is just best skipped over. "There! Anything?"

"Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?"

* * *

><p>"There, you hear that?"<p>

"Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?"

"No, it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise."

"Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything."

"Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?"

"No, I was just tryin' to be helpful."

"Yeah, well, you're failing."

"All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us." I just stared at Caboose like the others. "What, you guys don't hear that?"

"Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy."

"I see a switch down here. It's not very big."

"Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it."

"Wait, stop. Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?"

"Uhhhhhhh..."

"Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction."

"Oops. It broke itself."

"Ugh!"

"Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red."

"What about the blue one?"

"That's your thumb, idiot."

"Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out."

"Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there."

"Then just yank 'em both."

"Church, if we pick the wrong one.. You could explode."

"I don't care, look, just follow the red one."

"Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes.. eugh, someplace else.**"**

"Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one."

* * *

><p>"Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!" Tucker took out the red wire. "Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?" I couldn't feel mine, as if they're stone. Everything that happens to Alpha, it happens to me. "This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged."<p>

"Why don't you try walking it off?"

"I can't use my legs, moron."

"Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?"

"This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway."

"Hey, I already told you: that was for science."

"Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fives, and ...eatin' sandwiches... and, you know, the important stuff."

"Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something."

"What about that? Do you feel that, Church?"

"No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything."

"Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"

"Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up."

"Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-"

"Dang it, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed toblow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!"

"Hey, Blues, we're here to... What the heck are you guys doing?!"

* * *

><p>"Dang it, the Reds are here."<p>

"What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

"What were you doing down there?"

"Nothing. What're you talking about?"

"We were just playing a game!"

"Hey, Caboose, we'll handle this."

"What in the heck is going on at this base?"

"Whaddaya want, Reds? Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!"

"Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?"

"Uhgh... no."

"Yeah I didn't think so. Punk."

"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner."

"Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal."

"Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him."

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one."

"Hey, dude, what is your problem?"

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?"

"He's shy!"

"Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'.. kinda private over here."

"That's sad. He is shy."

"Fine, but don't come asking for him back later."

"We won't."

"Last chance."

"Beat it, Reds!"

"Alright, we're goin', we're goin'!"

"What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!"

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle..."

"Uh, Tucker, you might wanna look behind you." Caboose has the rifle. "Dang it!"

"Uh, ooo Church, Church! Okay, I s-I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uhhh... but the purple one is... I think he's going to attack."

"Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic."

"He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest."

"Pacifist."

"Ahhh, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

"I'll bet they've used some kind of brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes..."

"Caboose, that is ridiculous."

"Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?"

"No, just the regular kinda ridiculous."

"Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base."

"Hey, guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?"

"I knew it! We're all gonna die! Starting with you."

"Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away.. or something."

"Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-"

"Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine."

"Hey, uh, I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!"

"Just.. get outta here! And tell your buddies the Reds that their little "plan" failed."

* * *

><p>"Alright Tucker, what the heck are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working, here."<p>

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too."

"Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior el Roboto and Tex."

"Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with."

"Yeah, dead people usually are."

"Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive."

"What about that Lopez person? Is he available?"

"No. I'm in his body, remember?"

"Well, why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend?"

"What're you, a retard?"

"I-I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and ah, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me, uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done."

"I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea."

"I know..."

"But Caboose said it."

"I know!" Tucker then hit Alpha with his gun. "Ow! What the heck was that for?!"

"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't."

"Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!"

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

"If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be mad!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

"Let's try this. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"

"Okay, Church." I then went blind and knocked out. I woke up seconds later. "Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels.. kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"

"What do you care about you body, you can't even move your... Oh hey, look, your legs work!"

"This one is mine!" Caboose then tried to shoot Lopez. "Hey, Caboose! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there." Alpha then caught up with Lopez. "Alright, hold it right there, amigo."

"Mira, que cosa mas fina." Lopex then ran away. "Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the heck? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah dang it."

* * *

><p>"What the he-? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs." That I'll never know. We then saw Sarge &amp; Simmons driving the car. Alpha then decidedly went back to Blue Base.<p>

* * *

><p>"Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free." He then went to work, unknowingly this was a trick. "Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Sheila. And start killing everyone!"<p>

"You mean all the Reds, right?"

"Of course! For starters..."

"Come on, how much longer, Lopez?"

"_Complete._"

"Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank."

"Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!"

"Hello, Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

"He didn't fix you. Our robot did it."

"Don't cock block me!"

"Dude, come on."

"Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot."

"I don't like where this is going."

"Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808V Main Battle Tank."

"_And I am Lopez, the heavy._"

"Lopez, what a nice name for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills."

"Umm, yes! Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to go AWAY."

"Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your body back?"

"Roger that." He try to do so. "You okay in there, Church? Church, hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

"What the-? That wasn't me. What the heck's going on here?"

"Well, buenos dias, idiots. Guess who's back?"

* * *

><p>"Get out of my body right now, Tex!"<p>

"Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it."

"Yeah, but I stole it first!"

"I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed.. and I like it!"

"I know how to get her out of there. Wink." just when he's about to shoot Tex, "Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay? Alright, Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?"

"Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot."

"Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time? Like even when we're alone?"

"Yes, Tucker, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself. Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose."

"A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?"

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

"I have! Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church but he never listens."

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

"I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me."

"From what I could tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took it's chance."

"And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?"

"Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I. and Caboose's would've been vacant."

"I think there are a few of his NON-artifical slots that are empty too."

"And before I could figure out what happened, that jerk hit with a really lucky shot! And the next thing I know.. I'm a ghost."

"Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?"

"Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it."

* * *

><p>"Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pants'd in high school."<p>

"I found that part to be entirely out of context."

"But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the A.I."

"I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped. If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

"And then I can have my body back. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there."

"Right."

"What?! How the hell am I gonna do that?"

"I don't know. Come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans."

"You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast."

"Oh, I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast?**"**

"Yeah, that's right."

"Yep."

"Wow, you guys are a lot of help."

"Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box."

"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there."

"Okay, Tex, ladies first."

"Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?"

"Jerk..."

"Nice try, Leonard."

"Hey, Caboose!"

"Huh?"

"Heads up!" I saw myself in some sort of room. "Where are we?"

"We're inside Caboose's mind. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him."

"Man, this is kinda weird."

"It's hard to get used to, I know."

"No, it's not that. It's just that this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was gonna be. Where should we start, Tex?"

"Just keep your eyes peeled. I guarantee O'Malley will come looking for us." Alpha turned around to find... "Hey, Tucker! Is that you?"

"No. What're you? Stupid? Oh, wait. Yes, I _am_ me. I guess _I'm_ stupid."

"What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!"

"Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food."

"What the heck? What's the matter with you?"

"This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker."

"Man, I am so unbelievably stupid"

"Well, that's great, everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain dead as Caboose, then."

"I would not be so sure about that, Mister Church."

* * *

><p>"I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well."<p>

"The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?"

"Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you jerk!"

"Alright, hold on a second. Who the heck are you?"

"My name is Church, moron!"

"This guy is kind of a jerk."

"Yeah, we've met."

"And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking moron!"

"Okay, there was a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like."

"Just play along Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley."

"I'm gonna go look for girls!"

"Fine, whatever." Great, even in here Tucker is a womanizer, though more than usual. "If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on."

"The reds? The reds are in here?"

* * *

><p>"Why the heCK did they pair me up with you?"<p>

"I wanted to keep my eye on you. I don't trust gigantic jerks trying to steal my best friend, you nimrod!"

"Well, this is going to be a great trip."

"Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up, you blowjobbing morons." Then Mental-Simmons, Mental-Grif, Mental-Donut, and Mental-Sarge popped up one by one. "Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!"

"Would someone please help me, I don't want to die!"

"I love Caboose, and yet I'm so afraid of him."

"Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck."

"He's so scary."

"Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy but instead to ask for your assistance on this day."

"Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here. First of all you you're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend, ya know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy."

"Shove it, jerk!"

"And Caboose, come on dude, seriously. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"First of all that guy he's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?"

"My favorite thing is pretty dresses."

"Argh, I got termites in me leg!"

"And that is not a southern accent."

"Argh!"

"Do you have any tampons?"

"Seriously, what is the matter with you people?"

"Calm down Church."

"Don't kill us Mister Sidekick!"

"Hey butt brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!" He was then shot off the edge. "Leonard, are you okay?"

"Ah, please! That jerk couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Herg! Blow me."

"There he is!" O'Malley was all the way over on a balcony. He even did cliche evil laughter. "Lets go get him!"

"Alright, c'mon Caboose, lets go."

"I am sorry, have we met?"

"What? It's me Church."

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose, it's a pleasure to make your aquaintance."

"Oh you've got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there getting the reds to turn off their radios."

"Hurry up Church! He's getting away!" They then pursue O'Malley. "You'll never catch me!"

"Come on lets go!" They continue until Alpha & Tex run into O'Malley. "Huh?"

"Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me."

"Aww, that's sweet."

"Shut up, jerk"

"Bigger jerk."

"Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!"

"Dead end, O'Malley! You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of aspirin!"

"What?"

"I got half a mind to kill you,..."

"That's ridiculous."

"...and the other half agrees!"

"Ugh, Church, thats' just stupid."

"You're about to split,.."

"God Church."

"...personality!"

"You're just embarrassing yourself."

"Psyche."

"Nice knowing you, O'Malley, but payback's a pain, and so am I."

"Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time."

"There's only one way to find out." Tex then shoots O'Malley and he disappears. "Huh, he just disappeared. I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird, Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go? Tex, where'd you go? How do I get out of here? What happens to O'Malley?" Alpha then exited Caboose.

* * *

><p>"How's Sheila doing?"<p>

"I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you?"

"Eh, no. Not a clue."

"What about Tex? Any sign of her?"

"No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?"

"When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to spend money that she'd taken out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Tucker, but…"

"You're a jerk."

* * *

><p>"Man, Caboose. You were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?"<p>

"Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping."

"That's pretty much how you function while you're awake, too."

"I think consistency is important."

"Well, you look ok. Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?"

"Great! …Who're you?"

"Oh, come on! Not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?"

"Oh, of course! I remember you… you're Marvin!"

"I'm _Church_!"

"I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil."

"You killed me with the tank."

"Dave!"

"You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow."

"Karen!"

"Dude, he called her a slut."

"Phineous?"

"Your whole life is based around pleasing me."

"Wally."

"In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

"Milo? Psst. The new guy is pretty full of himself."

"New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy. _You're _the new guy!"

"I don't know. I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie."

"Oh, yea? Could you get used to me beating you to death?"

"Psst. What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad."

"Oh my god."

"Susan?"

* * *

><p>"Hey Church, we might have a problem."<p>

"Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?"

"New one. Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them."

"What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?"

"No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!"

"Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez."

"But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?"

* * *

><p>"How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?" Donut was on recon with Grif and he was captured. "I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"<p>

"Do we have a crock pot?"

"No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box."

"What was in the mystery box?"

"140 jars of mayonnaise."

"...well that's a good trade..."

"Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen."

"How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds..." Alpha & Tucker stared at each other. "The plan does not involve mayonnaise."

"Dang it, I knew there would be a catch." Alpha then went up and went into Donut's helmet. "Caboose! It's me, Church. I posessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?"

"Ohouw, nothing."

"You wanna braid each other's hair?" Later, the blues managed to reach Red Base to initiate the plan. "Hello inferior red squad!"

"We would like to talk to you about-"

"Sneak attack!"

"Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate."

"Ahay, sneak negotiation!"

"What the- Donut! What is this!?"

"I think he's talking to you."

"We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait no no that's right, to them, to us."

"Oh, smooth dude."

"You can't surrender blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender."

"In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. ...the pink guy."

"Are you becoming retarded?"

"I don't think they're going for it." A sniper rifle then fires from behind. "Oh my god!"

"Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, jerk!"

"Alright, they surrender!"

"Screw that, I'm mad, let's fight."

"Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!"

"Okay, but there's one catch!"

"What in shinola?"

"Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing."

"Hey that wasn't part of the deal!"

"Church why do we need two robots?"

"You know... one for me, and... one for Texas."

"Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you."

"Hey get off my back, man. Most dead guys aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway."

"Eh, good point."

"Jerk."

"Alright you blue jackals! What robot models did you have in mind?"

"I guess make 'em just like Lopez! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!"

"These new robots sound much nicer."

"That's because they sound like you."

"Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!"

"Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange."

"Deal!"

"Okay. I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base." Alpha arrived back at the base. "Alright guys, I- Sheila? Lopez? What the, why do people keep leaving?"

* * *

><p>"So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here."<p>

"Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great."

"Didn't they have a non-compete clause?"

"Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean..."

"Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?"

"It means 6:00, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it 6:00 or is it 10:00?"

"Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this stuff's just getting ridiculous." Later, at the canyon, the meeting was taking place. "Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church."

"Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?"

"Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter."

"Well are you at least getting any useful information?"

"Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?"

"Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion."

"Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here."

"What?"

"'m just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note."

"Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God dang show on the road!"

"Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase." The blues realeased Donut, the reds sent over a black robot, but Lopez intervened. Srage called it back, but Tucker ordered otherwise. It soon evolved into a shout-fest. Alpha managed to enter the cobalt robot. It ended with a missile strike seemingly from a purple hovercraft hitting Tucker. "OH MY GOD!"

"What the heck was that?"

"What the heck was that?"

"_What the heck was that?_"

"Oh my god! It's the cave devil! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

"Oops! sorry for that big explosion!"

"But it wasn't big enough!"

"Wait a minute, I know that laugh anyehere! That's O'Malley!" O'Malley continued to open fire on the reds and blues. "Come on, robot. You're with me." Alpha then took off with the black robot to examine Tucker. "Tucker, Tucker! Are you okay?"

"Church. The purple guy. He's-"

"Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow."

"No. He's a jerk."

"Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?" Sheila then came up to the blues. "Help! He took Lopez!"

"What? Where'd he go?"" O'Malley shouted out from the Red Base. "Here I am, you fools!"

"How'd he get up there so quick?"

"That guy's wicked fast!"

"Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!"

"Track sucks!"

"You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out! The Universe will be mine! Ahahahahahahahahhahahahahah"

"Lopex! No!"

"Move it, brown butt. Into the abyss." O'Malley, Doc, and Lopez disappeared into the teleporter. "Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!"

"Time out."

"Would someone explain what just happened here?"

"That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez."

"But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back."

"Yeah and we have to get the medic back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker."

"So now we're forced to work together. How ironic."

"No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

"No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapS him."

"I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds."

"I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron." 2 hours later, Alpha ends the conversation. "Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that..."

"Yes."

"And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates."

"We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Donut."

"We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!"

"Caboose..."

"We will leave Sheila."

"Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own."

"Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge."

"Today seems like a good day to teleport. Geronimo!"

"Paskataway!"

"Hmmm..."

"What's wrong?"

"I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird."

"Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?"

"After you." Alpha soon went through with Grif to a familiar-looking ice planet. "Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?"

"Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?"

"Freeze, drop your weapon!"

"Uh oh."

"I said freeze, dirtbag!" Alpah then hit Grif in... yeah I'm just going to forget I saw that.

* * *

><p><strong>And there you have it! Season 3 Monday.<strong>


	15. Chapter 14: Cragger and the Alpha (3)

**Here's the seriously long Season 3.**

* * *

><p>Alpha and Grif were then held captive by reds stationed on Sidewinder, also thinking Grif was a blue. "Hey jerk, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DANG JAIL CELL!"<p>

"Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!"

"Oh shut up, red, nobody asked you."

"I should have never listened to Donut's stupid freaking plan."

* * *

><p>"Man, I hate this. This sucks."<p>

"I just wanna lay around and do nothing." Alpha then impressively belched. "Nice. I bet I can beat it." Alpha's "stomach" began ticking. "I wonder what caused that."

"Hey Church, do you know your stomach is ticking?"

"I think I swallowed an alarm clock."

"Gross. Hey it's one of the guards. Pretend you don't know me."

* * *

><p>"Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out."<p>

"Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player."

"There's no 'I' in team, Grif."

"Yeah, there's no 'U' either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God dang team. The team sucks!"

"What I can't figure out is why the reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?"

"As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising." After a while, Grif started singing. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus."

"Will you shut up?"

"You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!"

* * *

><p>"Please, give me a break."<p>

"As the prison jerk, I would not expect you to understand." I then heard something outside. "What's going on out there?"

"Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all institutionalized and stuff."

"I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys."

"Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?" The salmon-armored human then went outside and was defeated. Then a white-armored human appeared out of nowhere. "Hello Church."

"Wyoming? What're you doing here?"

"Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about."

"Who's this kracker?"

"Naw, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex."

"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well."

"When I get out of here, -"

"But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio." "Wyoming" then turned invisible and ran outside. "We gotta find a way to escape, Grif."

"If only we had bedsheets."

"There's no window. What good is tieing together bedsheets gonna do us?"

"Who said anything about tieing them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep."

"Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit."

"You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals."

"Alright. Here goes." Just then the gates started to rise into the ceiling. "You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all."

"What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go." The two then ran outside. "Freedom, it smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home."

* * *

><p>Alpha ran up to Sarge, Simmons, Tucker, Caboose, and Donut outside. "What's going on?"<p>

"You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-"

"Ten sir."

"And Lopez is about to kill us all."

"That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?"

"That was the long version. The short version is 'we're done for.'" After a while of dodging missile fire & lightning strikes, Simmons opened a portal and random red and blue-armored humans went through. "Hey guys, you want your flag? He's the one that has it!"

"The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!" Every single one of them went up to O'Malley and beat him up repeatedly. "Get away from me! No! Get out, no! Dow!" He was too busy to notice the reds and blues. "We need to disarm Church's bomb, Sarge."

"Right." Alpha was soon struck by lightning. I felt the shock too. "Hold still, son, this'll just take a second."

"Don't you ever install anything above the waist?"

"Oh no! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off."

"Can you do it manually?"

"Impossible. I specifically designed it so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it."

"Why?"

"In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues."

"Nice thinking, sir."

"You had to get just one last rant in before we die, didn't you."

"Church, there's only one thing I can do." Tucker then pulled out a double-barreled gun. "Hehey, what the heck?"

"There's only twenty seconds left!"

"If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live."

"But the rocket'll kill me."

"Ten seconds."

"You're gonna die anyway when the bomb goes off!"

"What can I tell ya pal, misery loves company."

"Five seconds!"

"Sorry Church."

"Man this blows, you guys stink." The rocket launcher was then shot out of Tucker's hands. "What the heck?" Wyoming was up on a ledge with a sniper rifle. "Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate."

"Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."

"Whuh oh."

"What? Oh my go-" I was then knocked out by the explosion. I then woke up to in a room with Alpha. "What the heck? Where the heck am I?"

* * *

><p><em>Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?<em> A wall then opened to reveal a screen of some sort, which had an A.I. downloaded into it. "Hello. You are early."

"Me?"

"You are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.

"What is this place?"

"This is the housing facility for the great weapon. I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ... welcome! How may I be of assistance?"

"What're you talking about?"

"You coming was foretold by the great prophecy."

"Does your society have any adjectives besides great?"

"The great prophecy warns the great destroyer will be a blue being."

"And you think that's me."

"The blue being will be known as the stupidest lifeform in the universe."

"Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence."

"Correct."

"Oh no. I need to record a message."

"Affirmative."

"Hello? Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me? Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't, touch, anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race. Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there. And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building. Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped. Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything."

"Message recorded. Do you think it will work?"

"No. Like you said man, that guy's dumb as a rock! But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time... Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?"

"No. But working at full capacity, I could create a teleporter in approximately 1,000 years."

"A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?"

"Did you hear the one about the positronic brain?"

"Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the..."

"Yes. that's it. I just love that one. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny."

"Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean."

"Hey. Pull my finger. Come on you big baby. Just one pull. It won't kill you."

* * *

><p>1,000 years later (though somehow to me it was a split second). "Teleporter complete. Slightly behind schedule."<p>

"You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes."

"Knock knock."

"Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?"

"Yes. Do you have a plan yet?"

"I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time."

"And?"

"Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying."

"That's a given"

"And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too."

"Because you secretly love her."

"Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her."

"Sound easy."

"Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a freaking breeze."

"Ready to transport."

"Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years."

"It's Gary. but thanks for asking. See you in a few hundred years." Alpha was then transported to Blood Gulch. "Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirthole any more appealing. Oh what the heck, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. What's that..." There were 2 switches, one larger then the other. Alpha then kicked dirt on the smaller switch. "You just got an upgrade, pal. I wonder just how early I am." Alpha then arrived at Blue Base to discover something. Alpha from the past was there, along with a blue-armored Tucker, and... "Oh my god, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once."

Alpha then went inside Blue Base where Florida was about to take a nap. "Captain Flowers!"

"God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?"

"Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well."

"Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago."

"Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight."

"That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player."

"And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen."

"I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church." Alpha then did so. "Thank you son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh."

"What. What's the matter?"

"That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin."

"Umm..."

"Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... Church. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here."

"What, what is it?" I knew he was going to tell Alpha that he was an A.I., but... "Hurkh..."

"Oh no."

"Blah." I then heard past Alpha, and Tucker come in. "No Tucker, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow." Future Alpha then immediately exited the base. "Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage." In a split second, a few weeks then went by. "Man this stinks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet." Then someone sounding like Donut then came in the cave we were hiding in. "Hi!"

"Uhmm... Hello." It was the same rookie who stool the blue's flag, Donut must have came in red armor. And I think I know why he now has pink armor. "Do you have any elbow grease?"

"What're you talking about?"

"How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?"

"What? Look man, there's only two places in this God dang canyon."

"Look I just came from Red Base."

"Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way."

"Okay, thanks mister!"

"Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?"

"Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later."

"Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute." Alpha managed to catch to Donut. "Finally, there it is. ..Oh sweet! They sell tanks!"

"Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!"

"Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?" Donut came up to past Alpha. "Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?" I could still hear the conversation Donut and past Alpha were having. "Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!"

"What did I do?"

"One..."

"Aw, gimme a break."

"TWO!"

"Fine!

"Oh no." Several seconds later, Donut came out the other end with the flag, and Caboose reporting to past Alpha. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron!" Past Alpha then turned to Tucker. "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the dang thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?" Alpha then turned his attention to something else. "There's Sheila. Sheila!" Alpha then ran up to the tank. "Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!" I then heard past Alpha. "Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!"

"Oh no no, come on, activate!"

"Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me F.I.L.S.S."

"Hey, Sh- wait, F.I.L.S.S.? Why not Sheila?"

"Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila."

"Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs."

"Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled."

"Yeah, come on come on, hurry."

"Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled."

"Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?"

"Affirmative."

"Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol."

"Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by Auto-lock."

"Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right. I want the other thing." Caboose then hopped in without noticing us. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

"Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?"

"Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you."

"Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said."

"Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving."

"Wait! Oh my god, no!" Alpha then began chasing Sheila. "I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico."

"No no no no no no no no no no no!" After a while, Caboose got stuck on a rock while driving Sheila. "Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."

"No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?" The two eventually got to the middle of the canyon, where Sheila blew up Alpha like before. "Oh NO! I'm the team-killing mainiac!" I could even hear Tucker shouting from the distance Alpha was. "You shot Church, you team-killing mainiac!" Sheila then detected the reds. "New target acquired."

"Caboose, wait!" Alpha then went up to the cliff past Alpha and Tucker were on and grabbed past Alpha's sniper rifle. "Ah, here we go. Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody." Then an air strike blew up Sheila. Suddenly past Alpha logged back on, just like before. "What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?"

"Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot."

"So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?"

"What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest."

"Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence..."

"Man... First I kill myself, then I realize I'm a dork. Not a very good day to be me." Alpha then heard Tucker. "One second Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle.?"

"Uh oh." Alpha then hid behind a rock. "Aw man, it's gone. Man I'm so freaking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command."

"Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?"

"Screw that, has he ever buried us?" Alpha later used the sniper rifle to spy on the reds. "Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the heck is he?" Something went by. "What the, what was that?" The red-armored human then hid the flag inside the base. A grenade then landed on the same guy's head. "What the heck?"

"What?"

"What is _that_ thing?"

"What thing?"

"There's somethin' on your head."

"What, is it a spider? Get it off!"

"No, it's not a spider, it's, like a.. blue thing."

"What, like a blue spider? Get it off!"

"It's not a spider! Calm down. It's some kinda.. fuzzy, pulsating thing."

"That doesn't sound much better than a spider."

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

"Maybe we should try to take it off."

"Good idea. Go for it."

"Me? By 'we' I meant 'you'. Jerk."

"Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous." It then exploded. "OH MY GOD!" Yep, the red-armored human was definetely Donut. Grif & Simmons then went about trying to attack whoever threw that thing. Simmons even fainted. Tex then went inside Red Base, followed by Sarge. "Oh, no! Tex! Don't go in there! Awgh, I gotta do somethin'." Alpha managed to sneak inside. "Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a girl could give me a headache this big!"

"...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?"

"Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine."

"Yes sir!"

"So, you're a girl, huh?" Tex just stared. "Just ignore him, that's what I do."

"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?"

"Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?" Tex was about to, but Grif flinched and stepped back. "Ahh! Not in the face!" Grif later started an argument about if "both" has an "l" or not. "There's no 'l' in it, it's pronounced both."

"That's what I'm saying. Bolth."

"Both."

"You sound like such an nerd the way you say it." Sarge then shouted from atop the base. "Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base."

"As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, sir."

"BOTH."

"Seriously, man, like a nerd."

"Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system - have her guard herself."

"Good point, sir."

"YOU'RE GOD DANG RIGHT IT IS! Now get your butt up here. We got just enough time for me to spraypaint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake."

"Yeah... I'll be right up."

"Did you hear that?" Alpha then hid further in the hallway. Sarge possessed by Alpha went down into the base where Simmons & Tex were. "Hey, man. What's up, yo?"

"Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?"

"What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."

"Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ..other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you."

"Sarge, I'm starting to think that- Ow, geez, the back of my head!"

"What the heck are you doing?!"

"Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you."

"You're kind of short to be Church."

"What? Oh yeah, right. The armor. Hurk!"

"What in Sam Hill? Where the- Who spit on my visor?"

"Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter."

"...Okay."

"What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No. It pretty much all makes sense."

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?"

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious..."

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here. Huuurk!" Alpha & Tex then left. "Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no." Simmons was starting to wake up. "What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!"

"Yeah, that's great." Alpha then punched Simmons. "Ow, geez, the front of my face!" Alpha then went outside to the moment Caboose shot past Alpha while possessing Sarge. Apparently future Alpha had left behind his sniper rifle. The same Alpha then realised this and said the same thing as past Alpha at the exact moment. "Oh! You gotta be kidding me!"

"Tucker did it!" After many failed attempts, Alpha found Donut had failed to kill him multiple times. "Oh my God, how did I miss?" It continued to happen. "GOD DANG IT!" Then it finally happened. "Hey jerk! Remember me?! I saved something for ya!" Alpha tried to shoot the bomb, but the same result happened as the earlier attempts. "SCREW, THIS, RAN, DOM, NESS!" But Donut made the throw. "Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave." He walked away as Sheila blew up with Tex inside.

* * *

><p>"Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one." Alpha then went inside Blue Base. "Where the heck is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information."<p>

"Okay, here we go. Come in Blue Command, do you read me."

"Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on."

"Uh yeah, this is, uh, Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers."

"Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it."

"Uhm... promoted."

"Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?"

"Good. Listen up Vic, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top."

"I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. in a ditideepti and all that."

"Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne, as far away from here as possible."

"Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means."

"Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me."

"Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch."

"Right, exactly, the sides don't matter."

"Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything."

"What?"

"Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool."

"Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?"

"I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude."

"Well that should take care of at least one problem." Later, he found the conversation between Simmons, Grif, past Alpha, and Tucker about Doc. "Oh what the heck? Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!" Alphathen decided to stop Lopez & Sheila. "Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye."

Alpah then went up to a hill. "Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters..." Alpha managed to get to Red Base, mess with their teleporter, and heard a conversation between Grif & Donut. "Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh."

Tucker & Sheila ran up and crushed Grif, and Lopez was with them. Alpha was flung off the Red Base. The teleporter shotcircuited from the impact. I then went blind again, then knocked out. I woke up later. "Oh... What the heck happened? Where am I? When am I?" Alpha came to the center of the canyon to find... "Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all randomess is gonna break loose. Unless..." Alpha found a rocket launcher and picked it up. "God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy." Alpha opened fire on O'Malley, but... "It's all the- Waaaaa! OH MY GOD!"

"WHAT THE HECK? The targetting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now."

"Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your life!"

"Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends."

* * *

><p>A while later, Alpha ran up to Sheila. "Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?"<p>

"I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?"

"No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder."

"Yeah, tell me about it. There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right."

"What is it?"

"Okay, here's what I need you to do. I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real freaking wait,"

"Alright."

"And give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call."

"You got it."

"Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time."

"That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much."

"Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila." Alpha then ran through the teleporter. He arrived in Sidewinder at the point Wyoming left Grif & Church to die. "Man, there is no way Grif can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off." He then entered the code that releases the door. "You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all."

"What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go."

"Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home."

"Alright, now to find Tex. Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church. Uh... I have money. Oh man, where is she?"

"Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!"

"Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp."

"Us? Who's us? Back from where? What's goin' on?" Then the bomb exploded, sending Alpha into the past. He waited until the Alpha that left, well, left and went up to Gary. "Computer, you've got to send me back!"

"To Blood Gulchh? You just left."

"No no no, not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!"

"How?"

"Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here."

"Yeah, me too."

"What the-"

"Let me put it this way pal."

"Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does." A lot of Alphas then keep appearing, one of them was yellow. "Uh oh." I was knocked out by the mere confusion! I woke up to find the lot of Alphas. "What the heck is all of this?"

"Oh, here he is. Late again."

"Who are you guys?"

"We're you, idiot! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again."

"I know that man, you told me last time."

"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!"

"Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this."

"Idiot."

"Hey, shut up."

"How did all you guys screw up?"

"Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time."

"Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time."

"And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see."

"Why did you do that?"

"I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while."

"Well, what did you do?" Wait, questioning the Yellow Alpha? "Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work."

"So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand."

"You said beforehand twice."

"Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-"

"That won't work."

"Hey I got it, who's the last Church?"

"Huh?"

"Which one of you, is the latest version of me?"

"Um, I guess that would be me. I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done, even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version."

"Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right."

"I see."

"Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already."

"Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"Thanks!"

"Thanks."

"Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys."

"That're you gonna do?"

"You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise." I then realized I was now in that specific Alpha's point of view. The latest Alpha found Tex. "Church! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up. Get me outta here!"

"You got it. Wait a second, would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?"

"How is setting me free a bad thing?"

"I'm not sure. If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?"

"I'm already close to you."

"No no not me me, the other me me, the one with the bomb."

"What?"

"Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex."

"I'm totally confused."

"Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free."

"It is?"

"Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay."

"Seriously, this is really confusing."

"Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya!"

"Good luck! Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it. And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff. ...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor. I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!"

Alpha approached the Blood Gulch Crew. "Church!"

"What can I tell you idiot. For better or for worse, I'm back." The bomb then exploded, and Alpha was sent to the future "Gary Building" with the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew inside. "Hey everybody, what's up?"

"I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!"

"That won't be necessary, Caboose. Hey Gary, how ya doin'?"

"Not bad. Although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy."

"The computer can talk?"

"The computer's name is Gary?"

"How have you been, Church?"

"Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please."

"No problem."

"Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-"

"You didn't ask."

"Ehr, ferkin derglers."

"Man, it is really great to see you guys."

"You seem like you're in a good mood."

"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-"

"They could be worse."

"Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things freaking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer ranting."

"Where have you been?"

"You want the long version or the short version?"

"I will take the easy version please."

"Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?" Now I have the feeling this is all a story, but that's impossible. Isn't it?

* * *

><p>Tucker, has, a, sword... "You got this thing where?"<p>

"Right up there."

"So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything."

"Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer."

"I would have tried to save your life. ...From me!"

"Yeah I didn't think of that. Hey, Tucker I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing."

"You're just pissed because you don't have one."

"No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing."

"...That's not true."

"You haven't taken your eyes off it."

"Yes I have."

"Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?"

"I'm looking at you right now."

"Nu-hoh you're not!"

"I've already seen you. Not too impressed."

"I would have tried to save Tex, too..."

"Well I didn't Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off."

"Oh. Because that was my next suggestion."

"Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline."

"Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round."

"Man, that thing is really shiny."

"Yep."

"Tucker man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that."

"Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?" Then Donut came up and told some random about him saving some sort of holiday story. I have the feeling this is all a distraction. "And that's the story of how I saved Christmas!"

"I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything."

"Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit."

"Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?"

"I'm not distracting you."

"Yeah you are, while we're sitting here jabbering the reds are over there monkeying about!"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>"See? They're down there, messing with the radio."<p>

"Oh, so that's what they're doin'."

"Yeah. They must be plotting something."

"Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio."

"I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting."

"Maybe they're scheming."

"No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something."

"Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy."

"And I told you that's not true. Vic just made it up to confuse us." After hearing that fact & the randomness in the past, more like Alpha confused Vic. "That just means he's part of the conspiracy."

"But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same."

"Exactly."

"Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?"

"Exactly."

"You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?"

"Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there."

"Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth."

"Secret messages about what?!"

"Exactly."

"They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio."

"What makes you say that?"

"Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, the Boss Hogg, when Simmin, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Gruff was in the back seat. With a monkey."

"Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong."

"How do you know all this Caboose?"

"Andy told me."

"Andy, who's Andy? Are you, are you Andy?"

"I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker."

"Not, I know, what's your first name?"

"Lavernius."

"Lavernius, well then who's this Andy g- wait a second... are you black?"

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Does it matter?"

"No. I'm just curious."

"Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?"

"I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time."

"You know what else you should have picked up on? My freaking first name!" Alpha decided to go to Gary. "Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Tucker's sword."

"I do not know anything about them."

"You don't know anything about the Aliens that programmed you?"

"Correct. Instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race."

"You mean humans."

"That is not what they call you. But correct."

"Why, what do they call us?"

"...Shisno."

"That's an insult, isn't it."

"Perhaps this can best be explained in the form of a knock knock joke." Alpha sighed. "Knock knock."

"Who's there."

"You are."

"You are who."

"You are a dirty dirty shisno. Hahaha."

"Alright, what does it mean?"

"What is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?"

"Uhm, a skunk. Wait so Shisno means skunk?"

"Not exactly. does a skunk defecate?"

"Yes..."

"And does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?"

"Ew, no!"

"Then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language."

"Gross."

"Like you would not believe."

"Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?"

"The bomb? No. Never."

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

"Andy and I are not on speaking terms right now."

"Heh heh yeah. Wait, Andy?"

"Correct. He is kind of a jerk."

"I'm not the jerk, you're the jerk, jerk!"

"That was very rude."

"Ah, shut up ya Shisno!"

* * *

><p>"You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk."<p>

"I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that."

"Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me."

"If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this."

"What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of 'too good to talk to a bomb' type?"

"Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device."

"I agree."

"I wasn't talking about you Tex."

"Hey-"

"Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?"

"Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it."

"Oh. That's not good."

"I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And no one did ask me which I find insulting!"

"Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!"

"Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown."

"Andy, everyone here is your friend. And no one wants to hurt you."

"Yeah right."

"Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?"

"Being in the middle of a huge explosion!"

"Less happy place Caboose, less happy place."

"Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-"

"NO!"

"Duck!" The blues then continued to try to calm down Andy. "You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy."

"Breathe in through your nose... and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose.., and out through the mouth."

"Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?"

"Hey Andy, knock knock."

"Who's there."

"Inner peace and serenity."

"I already heard that one."

* * *

><p>"So we cool here?"<p>

"I think we're finally calmed down."

"Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more."

"Hey, are you talkin' about me?"

"What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever."

"Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me."

"No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex."

"Excuse me?"

"Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a jerk. Isn't that right Tex."

"Church..."

"I don't know..."

"Come on Tex."

"Yes. We're talking about me."

"Sounds like you're patronizing me."

"No really, it's me, I'm a jerk."

"Heh heh, keep going."

"And I need to be calmed down all the time."

"Or what happens?"

"Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team."

"...I see your point."

"Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness."

"Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep."

"That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me."

"Well, she sounds like a real handful."

"Alright listen you little noob firecracker."

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile."

"I am so gonna remember this Church."

"You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight."

"Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care." Then there was gunfire. "Attack, my robot minions."

"I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence."

* * *

><p>"Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?"<p>

"No, the great destroyer is a single person who will come to claim the great weapon."

"Yeah, that's great."

"Prepare, one and all. The fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand."

"So you have no good news for me today."

"Orange you glad i didn't say banana?" Alpha later met up with Tucker. "Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?"

"Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn."

"Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one."

"Maybe we should all stick to what we know best."

"Hey, where's your weapon?"

"Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!"

"Oh man, this is not gonna be good." Alpha & Tucker then surveyed the apparaently destroyed robot army. "Wow. She really did a lot of damage."

"Are you surprised?"

"No, not really, I guess not."

"I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side."

"Who's on our side? Whoa! Who killed all the robots?"

"You did."

"No I didn't."

"What?"

"I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on."

"Wait a second." Alpha then ran to Gary. He was repeatedly saying, "The end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. The end is near."

"Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?" Gary was then silenced. "Gary?"

"Knock knock."

"...Who's there?"

* * *

><p><strong>Season 4 next week Wednesday.<br>**


	16. Chapter 15: Cragger and the Alpha (4)

**Here's Season 4... my lest favorite of the Blood Gulch Chronicles because of how Sarge's stupidity & ego is used.**

* * *

><p>"What, the hack, was that. " I didn't know what attacked us either.<p>

"Hey Church!"

"Hey!"

"Huh?"

"Isn't anybody gonna ask me, 'What happened to your body, Church?'"

"What happened to your body Church."

"What happened to some... body... Church?"

"Heck if I know. All I know is, I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and-"

"The bomb?"

"No that's Andy, Gary is the computer."

"Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time."

"I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget."

"Hey, can we please focus on me?"

"By the way, he's Church."

"Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows."

"He is the mean one."

"Thank you, Caboose."

"See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again."

"...Okay. I was talking to Gary and-"

"God dang it!"

"Classic Church."

"I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism."

" Anyway, I was talking to Gary about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Tex. And that's when I turned around, and I saw..."

"Saw what? Saw O'Malley?"

"What the- Caboose, get outta the story man. No it wasn't O'Malley."

"What was it?"

"Stop interrupting me, and I'll tell you."

"A helicopter?"

"Yeah Caboose, shut up."

"Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too. Everybody just get outta here."

"Just tell us, what did you see?"

"Um, it was a really big... thing."

"That's your story? You saw a big thing."

"Well I didn't really get a clear look at it. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth. "

"Well how did you fight it off?"

"Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the heck outta there."

"You're telling me you left your body behind?"

"I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight."

"I know the feeling."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the heck outta Church! Haha!"

"He didn't scare the heck outta him, he scared the soul outta him."

"Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is made outta randomness. Stupid randomness for soul."

"For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now."

"Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours."

* * *

><p>It had been several minutes of waiting for the animal to come out. "We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there."<p>

"Or, eating Church!"

"Alright then. Let's roll."

"Okay... Here we go..." There was then brief silence. "...Uh, we're not moving."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Here we go."

"...We're still not moving."

"Does talking count as moving?"

"All right, screw it. You guys get behind Tucker, and stay tight."

Later, Alpha and Tucker were at the end of the hallway. "Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?"

"No way, I'd rather have a gun."

"But I've got a gun."

"No way, I'd rather have a gun."

"But I've got a gun."

"What're you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?"

"Okay yeah, that's a good point."

"Hey I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet." Tex was back where the conversation was going on. "Hey, see anything?"

"Nope!"

"You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something." Alpha then went up to Andy "Hey. Andy. Andy!"

"Hehehey, look who's back! The jerk!"

"Hey."

"You back for another beatin'? It must be beat up-o'clock!"

"Where's that big alien thing?"

" I don't know, last time I saw him he was beating the heck out of you."

"Is this bomb giving you a hard time?"

"I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have, a crying contest?"

"Hey look, there's my body, right there." The animal then appeared. "Huh? There it is!"

"Jesus, run!"

"Oh no!" The three then ran up to Caboose, passing by Andy. "Run run run run run run runn!"

"Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's freakin' hilarious!"

"Ahhh, run run run run run!" We finally manged to reach Caboose. "Did we win?"

"Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!"

"Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!" Andy then started to laugh diversitely... I don't think that's a word, "diversitely". "You're killing me! Haha ha"

* * *

><p>"Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there."<p>

"Heh haeh, you never looked better!"

"Hey shut up, Andy! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times."

"A few more times? How about one time?"

"Well I think I landed at least two or three shots."

"Yeah right."

"You didn't hit anything but the wall."

"How the heck would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards."

"This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively."

"Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets."

"You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter."

"Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?"

"Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero." Tucker & Caboose just stared at Alpha. "What?"

"Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from 'hero'. Wouldn't it have been better to say 'I don't care if I'm a participant?' Or maybe bystander?"

"Shut up."

"Or a decoy."

"Hey, Caboose, don't help him okay?" Tex then started going into the building.

"Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?" Tex then materialized as an A.I. behind us. "Oh dang it."

"Nope."

"Maybe Caboose should try talking to him."

"Uhh, what would I say?"

"Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church."

"Mmm... good times."

"Told you so."

"You know I actually like that idea."

"You do?"

"Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being A). eaten by the alien, or B). digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies."

"I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!"

"Get away from me freak!"

"You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait." Tex was at the top of the nearby ramp. "There's my body."

"Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you."

"You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?"

"Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now."

* * *

><p>Alpha then saw Caboose with Andy. "Caboose, who're you talkin' to- OH MY GOD!" Alpha then held up a gun.<p>

"Stop! He is my friend."

"No I'm not!" I could somehow understand the animal. "He is not going to eat anybody."

"Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat."

"Yeah and that's disgusting!"

"He thinks we stink?"

"Yes."

"It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here."

"What's a fish?"

"Caboose, what the heck man, are you sure about this thing?"

"Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all."

"Except for what hapened seconds ago."

"Since he bit me the first time."

"Heheh yeah, that was hilarious."

"I think I might need a tetanus shot."

"Tetanus shot, that's not required."

"Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate."

"Cheese?! Ewww!"

"I don't think he liked that."

"Whoa, man, what is that stench?"

"Probably me."

"Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?"

"No."

"It smells like old yogurt."

"Yogurt, just, wow."

"Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?"

"Yes."

"That's exactly what he said right before he bit me."

"No it wasn't! That was just instinctual."

"You understand what he's saying?'

"No..."

"Whey hey wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks. Or, vice versa."

"I think, I think blargh means, me, or, apples. Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department."

"Mister Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?"

"Yes!"

"I have no idea if that means yes or no."

"Totally blows away your vica versa theory. Sorry."

"You two are retarded. You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up."

"You don't know that!"

"You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Whoh."

"Well if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already. Jerk."

"That's not how my kind talks."

"Oh shut up, you're not helping."

"Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!"

"What? What was it?"

"It was a voice, saying, 'Blargh blargh blargh honk.'"

"That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened." Caboose and the alien were silent. "...That's not true. Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!" The alien continued talking.

* * *

><p>Alpha soon went up to Gary. "Hey Gary, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?"<p>

"No."

"Aw come on man, isn't this one of the aliens that built you?"

"Yes, but I do not know much about those creatures. I was only programmed with knowledge of the shisnos. I mean you."

"Yeah listen man, that word is really startin' to bug me a little bit."

"You did not even know what it meant until i told you."

"I know but you just say it so much."

"I only say shisno in context. Like when talking to a shisno or about a shisno. I think I see what you mean shisno."

"So you'll stop."

"Inter-species prejudices take a long time to overcome. But I will try."

"Thanks."

"Luckily, I am not lazy like a shisno."

"Yeah it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort."

"I think the important thing is that I am trying." Alpha went back to the others. "Okay. Church, is trying to get a translator. So that we can talk to each other."

"Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language, speaking slowly is not gonna help."

"What? I'm talking to Caboose."

"Oh."

"I don't understand. Are- are- are you Hungary? Tucker are you Hungary? Are you cold?"

"What? No."

"Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?"

"Dang it no, Caboose I'm not cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my freaking sheets again I'm gonna kill you."

"Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy."

"Fluffy?"

"Fluffy! The alien that only loves!"

"He's got to have a name. Why don't we just ask him? Hey alien dude, what's your name? Name. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Jerk-pants McCrabby."

"Hey!"

"Not me, I call you Mrs. McCrabby."

"Thanks."

"What, is your name?"

"I am Frugov."

"Your name."

"Frugov!"

"Just keep repeating it Church, I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own."

"He is Tucker. Tucker. You are?"

"Frugov!"

"Okay, I give up, all this guy says is honk honk."

"Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?"

"What?"

"Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?"

"Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?"

"A stupid one."

"Hey, big alien, is your name Honk Honk?"

"No!"

Hey wait a second, I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?"

"No."

"Oh my god! Blarg means yes, he just said yes blarg means yes. I speak alien!"

"Yeah, unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes."

"What, no way. Hey alien, am I right?"

"No."

"Haha, see? The heck do you know."

* * *

><p>"Church! Chuu-urch, hey Church!"<p>

"I'm right behind you idiot."

"Oh. Hey Church, do you have a knife?"

"No. That's a weapon dude, ask Tex."

"She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff I think."

"Huh? Like what?"

"Hai don't know, I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'."

"What're you two guys doin'?"

"We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English."

"How're you gonna do that?"

"People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard."

"Maybe you should try learning his language."

"Screw that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language."

"Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth." In Chima there's only one language, and that's English. "Hyeah, but only one that's cool. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial coolness."

"Alright, there is no way this is gonna work."

"Yeah it is, we got visual aids and everything."

"Where the heck'd you get those?"

"We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons. I just need to cut one of these things, you have a pocket knife?"

"Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?"

"Oh right. Duh." Tucker drew his sword, and then I heard something. "What?... OH MY GOD!" Frugov then ran up started beating up Tucker. "Ahh, what the heck?!"

"Whoa! Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you."

"Aaaaaaaah, get this thing off me!"

"Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight."

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..."

"Now hold still. For science."

"Not the face. Not the face!"

* * *

><p>"You have got to be kidding me. There is no way I'm gonna let this happen."<p>

"I told you, he can do it."

"Yeah, I'm qualified."

"Listen I don't doubt, that he can do it. I doubt that I want him to do it."

"Why?"

"Well you know what Andy? You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals."

"That's crazy! You're only saying that 'cause you're a racist."

"Racist- bombs are not a race!"

"Eh, shut up ya dirty Shisno."

"We finally make contact with an alien being, and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through a bomb? Am I the only person who has a problem with this?"

"Well unless you've got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya."

"I had one of those, but I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures."

"I'm sure this'll be fine."

"You know I feel that I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kinda interesting. Go for it."

"Alright, where's the alien?"

"Oh no, I forgot." Frugov was still beating up Tucker. Still... "Ow, ow, ow... Oh-hohohoh, man. I'm gonna die."

"The embryo is in him." Embryo? "What's he saying now Andy?"

"Look guy, if you want me to translate for ya, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, what's he sayin' now Andy, what's he sayin' now? I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!"

"That's what he said? That's a weird thing to say. Uh, tell him I said okay, I will not ask any, more of uh... that and also, no."

"I think I need a translator just for Caboose."

"This human has the Great Weapon!"

"Okay basically he's uh, he says he's angry."

"Oh rea- yea- no kidding. Tex, are we paying for this service?"

"Just give him a chance."

"I've come this way to get the Great Weapon, and now a mere human has it!"

"He says he came to claim some type of thing, and that the teal one took the thing..."

"It's gone! He doesn't have the Great Weapon isn't here!"

"And that now the thing is gone."

"Who's the teal one?"

"You are, idiot."

"No way, I'm aqua. Teal's out."

"That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken it's right there."

"The hero is the only one who can pass the trial of the windmill and retrieve the Great Weapon from its resting place. All else cannot wield it."

"He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from his resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken."

"Uh oh."

"Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God."

"This all sounds crazy to me."

"No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?"

"Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. Mean you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us."

"Alright then you little nerd, you pick it up and try it." Alpha just stared at the sword and Frugov. "What're you waiting for?"

"Nah, I'll take his word for it."

"You must fulfill the prophecy with thE hero.."

"And now you gotta go with him, to fulfill the prophecy."

"Screw you."

"Too bad you shisno. And I'm not as happy about this either. Also, I'll kill everyone here if it you don't."

"Heh heh heh, good one. Uh oh yeah, he... he's not too thrilled about it either."

"See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to screw up your quest, dude, but I'm not goin'."

"Aaand if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here."

"...Alright well have fun guys."

"Hey a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker!"

"Aheh, I think he should stay here, 'cause, I like that killin' everybody option."

* * *

><p>We had a conversation on the beach. "After we go through the Burning &amp; Freezing Plains, we'll reach the place where the prophecy will be fulfilled."<p>

"Then after we cross the Burning Plaine of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia."

"The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between."

"This is so dumb, I'm not doing this."

"Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself."

"I know! And I'm so used to picking up things, and not letting them remain in my possession."

"Don't worry Tucker, we're not gonna send you alone."

"You're coming with me Tex?"

"Me? Heck no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous."

"Well I'm not goin' with Church, that guy's a worse fighter than I am."

"Well you're in luck then, because I'm not goin' either."

"What? Then who?" Everyone was then silent. "No freakin' way. I'm not goin' with him."

"Oh, oh, oh, I hope we meet a Cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal."

"We eat our wounded."

"He says he's a healer."

"Oh good."

"Heh heh, not really, they eat their wounded. Heh heh heh."

"Just like chiropractors."

"This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothin' wrong with me."

"Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax."

"What the heck does that make me?"

"You're the good looking and stealthy archer."

"A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!"

"That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever."

"I'm gonna freakin' die."

"Hyeah I guess this is it Tuckeher. Nice knowin' ya."

"Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids."

"You have kids?"

"Heheh probably."

* * *

><p>"Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you."<p>

"What? I'm the cleanest guy here."

"No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well."

"I hate you."

"I don't even wear pants."

"He doesn't wear any pants."

"Yeah, we noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change."

"Why, we're used to being naked. Free-ballin', come on! Commando."

"Let me just put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword."

"Huh what- oh, fyeuh uhm, yeah, uh- I was just admiring his, his Alien, muscle structure."

"Yeah one particular part of his muscle structure."

"Well that's just a matter of opinion."

"You told me it was another arm."

"Hey Caboose- high five!"

"I don't want to do that any more."

"Tucker come here, I want to talk to you for a second. Listen, just drop off this weapon, and get back to Blue Base as fast as you can."

"What if I have to kill stuff dude? I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Hey now Tucker I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers. I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss."

"Our Captain died. You're just the guy pretending to be my boss."

"We, you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees."

"Except that I'm not."

"Echch, whatever! Listen, I just, as, as someone in an employee/manager relationship-"

"Which doesn't exist."

"Heuhhhhhhh..."

"Why did you pull me aside again?"

"You know I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or, something but now I, just don't care."

"I'ma go man."

"We're going!"

"Hey lady! Come on, hustle up! If you gotta use the bathroom, do it now 'cause I'm not pullin' over."

"You know I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not goin' with them."

"Why? Quests are dangerous."

"Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or, an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you. ...Huhhh, I really shoulda seen that coming." Alpha then along his way to Blue Base at Blood Gulch.

* * *

><p>When Alpha arrived at Blue Base, he found Grif, Srage, and another blue armored human inside. "Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-" Alpha walked up to Sarge and... "Booya!" A knock-out. "Ooh, the back of your head." That blue human was Simmons?<p>

"Well that was close. I've always wanted to say 'booya' too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah."

"Where the heck'd you come from?"

"Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past." Tricking Simmons? Wow. "Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots." Sarge then woke up. "Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?"

"Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole."

"We have a hole? That's awesome!"

* * *

><p>"Man, Sarge is frickin' heavy. Hey blue guy where'd you go I need some help." No Simmons. Alpha then threw Sarge off teh top of teh base and went back to SImmons. "Euh, you know I could have used some help new guy, thanks."<p>

"I was just securing this prisoner. Which is interesting, considering that I have never met him before."

"Why is that interesting?"

"I don't know."

"..Is something wrong with your voice?"

"Oh I was just disguising it, so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me."

"What?"

"But he doesn't. Do you prisoner?"

"Um... no?"

"Right."

"Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?"

"Well okay, help me load these guys in the jeep before they wake up."

"Okay. Donut, grab the ankles."

"Okie dokie. How's this?" Donut was holding Sarge by the hands. "Sarge's ankles Donut."

"Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up."

"Well what do I tell them?"

"I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it."

"H-i always did wanna be a hero... H-and a liar."

"Well then it's your lucky day."

"Don't you want anything?"

"Like what?"

"Well, every time someone surrenders they take somethin'. Like when we took the medic, and you guys took Grif's dignity."

"Hyeah, like that ever existed. Uhhh, I mean, which one is Grif? Is he the yellow one?"

"And this time you guys don't want anything?"

"And this time you guys don't want anything?Well, technically you're not surrendering. This is what we call in the Military, a total beatdown.' Oh, and also, we're taking your car.""

"What? You're leaving us out here, without any transportation? We'll die!"

"Die of what?"

"Exposure! We're stranded! This is murder."

"Your base is right there, I can see it."

"You may as well just feed us to the buzzards right now." What's a buzzard? "You could have walked back to the base in the time we've been discussing this."

"Go. Just sign our death warrants." Sarge was then regaining consciousness. "Rrouw. Gourough. What's goin' on?"

"Hey, take care o' that guy." Simmons then knocked out Sarge again.

* * *

><p>Alpha &amp; Simmons were then spying on the reds. "Okay, that red one? That's Sarge. He's their leader, which is lucky for us because... well he's not that good a leader."<p>

"Okay."

"And the one next to him is Donut. I like Donut, he's pretty harmless man, I, I don't think he'd hurt a fly."

"Yeah, plus he's a little..."

"A little, what?"

"You know."

"No I, no I don't know."

"You know, he's kinda in to, girly stuff like ...feelings, and... da- you know."

"Uh, I think you might be projecting, there."

"I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation."

"I don't know man. You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting."

"His armor is pink."

"Pink, I wouldn't say pink, maybe... you know, slightly less red, but-"

"It's pink, trust me. I know pink when I see it."

"Uh yeah, I bet. You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying."

"Yeah."

"But, at least he's smart. In fact I think he might be the smartest one of the bunch."

"You mean smarter than all of the ones there now."

"No I mean all of them put together man, there's this other guy, who hangs around, in maroon armor? I haven't seen him in a while but he's a freakin' know-it-all man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not." Okay now Alpha's insulting Simmons. "What?"

"Yeah he walks around like he owns the place, and, you know he- you know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back."

"What do they say?"

"Oh just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also that, you know, he's not as attractive as other people are."

"Man, he sounds like a real jerk." Simmons then ran off. "Hehey, where ya goin'?"

"I have to use the bathroom."

"Well, u-hurry up man, I wanna finish your orientation before you have to make me dinner." I heard Sheila behind us. "...You do know that's Simmons, right?"

"Oh yeah."

* * *

><p>Alpha &amp; Sheila were then at the vehicles. "Look at this Sheila, this, is a thing, of beauty, what I have here. I am amazed."<p>

"Whatever."

"We have got every, single vehicle in this canyon. We are unstoppable. This is- I have my own fleet. I have my own fleet of cars."

"Three vehicles and only one guy to drive them. Big deal."

"No the important thing is that they, don't have any vehicles to ...hey is there a problem here?"

"Problem? Why would there be a problem?"

"Ah-sh-e-a, I don't know. You just seem uh, ...you know... agitated."

"You think I'm agitated."

"Well uh- I- I didn't mean, well I- I didn't mean-"

"No, it was your word. Agitated. You said "You sure seem agitated, Sheila." So I guess that means I'm agitated. Don't I seem agitated, Church?"

"I'm just, I'm just saying you seem a little, upset."

"Oh- so now I'm upset. Which is it Church, am I agitated or am I upset?"

"I don't, I mean I don't really- I could, I could go get a dictionary."

"Why would I be upset?"

"Uh, I don't-"

"Well, would you be upset if I got a bunch more blue guys to come hang around and help me?"

"Well actually there, are, three other guys on the squad."

"Exactly. This isn't a parking lot Church, it's a team, a family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?"

"Right, including the time that you killed me."

"How about, if I suddenly decided, I wasn't the Blue team's tank? What if today, I'm feeling just a little bit red."

"They're just cars, Sheila."

"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that."

"Hey is there like a... jealousy, setting, somewhere on you that I can you know, ...turn off?"

"Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Alpha then heard Simmons crying so he went up to him. in Blue Base. "You okay there, blue guy?"

"I'm fine, I, I told you it's just allergies."

"Oh yeah? You know I never heard someone say boo hoo hoo when they sneezed."

"I'm fine."

"Good, well then now I can give you your orders. Um, first of all that jeep, out there is really dirty, and I think that-"

"What, why're you giving me orders?"

"Uh, because, that's the way the Blue team works?"

"Technically, you're the new guy. I should be telling you what to do."

"Uh, I don't think so man, see back in the day, uhh the way this worked was Command would call, me, and give me the orders and then I would pass them along to everybody else. Kay it works like this I would get on my radio like this and I'd say, uh, uh 'Come in Blue Command, come in, this is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read me?' And then normally this uh, really annoying guy would come back and he would say-"

"Hello, hello, come in, hello."

"Wow, that was a pretty good impression. Can you do Arnold Schwarzenegger? 'Ah'll be bahck.'"

"That wasn't me. Uh, hello?"

"Hello, come in Blood Gulch, can you hear me, hello, try the veal, hello."

"What? V- Vic? Is that you? It's been eight hundred years, how have you survived so long?"

"No no hey dude, Vic's dead. This is Vic's great great great great great great great great-" Simmons interrupted. "Asta la vista, baby!"

"Duded, shut up!" Vic continued on. "-great great great great great great great great great great grandson... Vic Junior."

"And you work- and you work with Blue Command?"

"Hoh right dude, good one dude, 'Blue Command.' Wink!"

"Wait a minute, what, wait, what does that mean? What does that mean, does- is the war over? Did we win?"

"Dude, I got a lot to catch you up on."

* * *

><p>Several minutes later, Alpha noticed something. "Hey Sheila where'd that Simmons guy go that was spyin' on us?"<p>

"I don't know, why don't you go ask your new jeep?" Alpha then found Tucker, caboose, and Andy returning to Blue Base. "Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?"

"Meh."

"Hey where's Tex?"

"Gone."

"Where's the alien?"

"Dead."

"Well how'd the quest go?"

"Failed."

"Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I."

"Eh I wouldn't say 'failed,' but these guys definitely screwed it up royally."

"What? We didn't do anything!"

"Exactly. You let Tex do all the work and got the alien killed."

"Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up."

"It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple."

"Well is Tex okay?"

"She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming."

"Tex?"

"Yeah."

"Wyoming?"

"Yes."

"Massachusetts."

"Seriously, stop it."

"Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?"

"Tell you when, we just got here."

"Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest."

"Eh, I really wouldn't say 'failed' here..."

"This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food."

"Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?"

"Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck."

"I said new information."

"Don't we have anything to eat in this place?"

* * *

><p>Minutes later, Tucker was moaning from... something I don't know. Must have been the embryo Frugov put in him. Alpha &amp; Caboose were outside the front door of Blue Base. "Man, he sounds terrible."<p>

"Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp."

"Swamp, you guys were in a swamp?"

"Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all."

"Is this why you guys came home so fast?"

"No, we came home because the alien died, eyand because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a uh glowing key."

"Yeah a glowing key that can still stab people."

"Right."

"So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations."

"Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death."

"God dang it man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes."

"Yeah. I have a really good time."

"Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much."

"Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh..."

"Hey Tucker, you okay?"

"Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?"

"Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole. I came up with that pretty fast."

"And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!"

"Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-"

"You mean the key?"

"No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?"

"I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once."

"We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him."

"Or, maybe it runs on solar power!"

"Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?"

"Is he Republican?" I don't know what a Republican is either. Anyways, Alpha & caboose then went to Andy. "Andy, what in the heck happened to Tucker in this little adventure you guys took?"

"How should I know?"

"He ate all my food and just threw it up. Coulda just thrown it on the floor, 'n' cut out the middle man."

". I went to ask him if he's feelin' better and he practically bit my god dang it head off."

"I bet he just would have thrown up your head later. And then you could just put it right back on, it'd be fine."

"He was fine on the trip, maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya."

"Did you guys come in contact with anything weird, like any strange plants or animals er, like superflu viruses er, porn stars?"

"Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention. We invaded a secret biological warfare lab, run by porn stars. Tucker licked all the petri dishes, even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes. You think that had anything to do with it?"

"I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen. I would have remembered that part."

"Aw come on, you're surprised he's sick? I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone."

"I'm just worried, man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning he's throwin' up, runnin' a huge fever, next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes 'cause his internal organs are liquifying. And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun."

"I'm gonna go take a vitamin."

"Oh don't bother, it's too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about me."

"Tell ya what. Send me in, and I'll run clean-up. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything."

"Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base."

"Comon, just a little explosion! Five, ten megatons tops. Aya all your scary germs will be gone. Nothin' left but the cockroaches! Germ free cockroaches."

"But then Tucker will be dead too."

"See? It's the perfect plan!"

"No, but that does give me a good idea. Technically, you can't get sick. So why don't we send you in there to take care of Tucker, you can figure out what's wrong and report back to us."

"I ain't no nurse. I go in there, all you're gonna get, is an explosion. You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor."

"What did you just say?"

"I said you don't need me. Ya need a doctor."

"Please don't do it."

* * *

><p>Once O'Malley, Doc, and Lopez arrived, Alpha attempted to shoot O'Malley but missed. As usual. "Alright hold it right there!" I could almost hear Lopez. "<em>I see someone now. I think he has a gun.<em>"

"Yes I see that, thank you for keeping us informed, you moron."

"Yeah that was just a warning shot O'Malley. You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor."

"You think you can make that shot from here?"

"Uh, probably not, I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing when I'm not lookin'."

"I knew it! This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us in to an ambush!"

"First of all, I don't know if calling you on the phone and inviting you over? I don't know if that qualifies as an elaborate scheme. And secondly, we're not ambushing you. We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit."

"I'm not very big on rules, you know."

"It's true! We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!"

"Oh shut up!"

"And he always leaves the milk out!"

"You fool! Be quiet."

"And don't even get me started on the phone bill."

"Hey Doc, I see you're still swimmin' around in that head somewhere too."

"Well it's not the ideal situation, but any relationship requires work if you-"

"You fool! This isn't a relationship, I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcus in to a swamp, and let the beasts feed on your entrails, huhuhuhuhahahahaa."

"I love you too buddy."

"Oh shut up."

"Well don't get any bright ideas about jumping in to anyone else today, O'Malley. We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. For some of us that was easier than others."

"I just finished thinking about something, and didn't start thinking about anything else."

"So here's how this is gonna work: You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker, you're gonna tell us what's wrong, and then you're gonna leave."

"Hmm, and what do we get?"

"Whaddaya want. And I should warn you, Tex is not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother."

"Well a standard physical usually requires a twenty dollar co-pay. Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance plan they have."

"You fool, let me negotiate. We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huhuhuhuahahahaha."

"No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!"

"Huhuhuhuhuhuh, oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering, if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening. What I want is something pure evil, aaahahahahahahahahaaa! I'm also being told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard."

"Alright, fine."

"Hah, huhaha you fool, and we want the twenty dollars up front!"

"Fine!"

"And in cash..."

"Oh whatever!"

"Ah you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles! Or at least a thirty day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools!"

"Caboose, give me $20. Wait, give me $30."

* * *

><p>On top of Blue Base, introductions were being made. "Andy this is Doc, Doc this is Andy. Uh Andy, Doc is uh he's here to help Tucker. And he's also our worst enemy. You know- besides the Reds. And, Tex on, certain days."<p>

"Well thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball... hello bowling ball."

"Actually, I'm a bomb."

"It can talk?"

"Why is that the first thing everybody says to me?"

"A talking bomb, you say... Hmm I could use a fellow like you in my organization."

"Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you."

"I see... Well this is certainly awkward."

"KABOOM!"

"Satan's bunyon!"

"Hah hah hah hah, heh, I was just kidding. I didn't really explode. Hahahahaha."

"Heh heh, good one."

"Yes, highly amusing."

* * *

><p>"Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!" I highly doubt Doc can do this. "Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?"<p>

"That's just a fancy way of saying 'hold the vomit bucket,' huhuhuhuheuw."

"Uh, sorry I'm busy."

"Caboose?"

"I can't"

"Well why not?"

"Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. agh, agh, agh coughing." Caboose, you're not fooling anybody. "Ohokay, just more fun for me." A while alter we had yet another converstaion about Tucker. "Hey guys? I've figured out what's wrong."

"What is it Doc."

"You're not gonna like the diagnosis."

"Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha."

"Just tell us Doc, we can take it."

"Your friend is-"

"Dying? Oh no!"

"No, he's not dying, he just has-"

"No chance to live. I knew it!"

"Caboose: one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients."

"How do I say this, your friend is ... ..."

"Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time."

"No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant."

"Oh good. ...Wait what?"

"Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha."

"Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway."

"No it's true, we found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think."

"How is that a logical explanation? Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do."

"Haha, don't look at me, Tucker's not my type."

"Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should um have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow uh in case someone, in the group, uuh may not exactly know how, that, happens."

"Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker."

"No: you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahaa, read the fine print, classic blunder. Hmhm."

"First of all, I am right. And we are going to help him."

"What?"

"Look no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!"

"Yeah we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution."

"Yeah. Or four years equivalent work experience!"

"Come see for yourself."

"Fine."

"Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started."

"Alright, what's wrong. You seem nervous."

"What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy."

"Hey, no-one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this... we gotta have a little talk man. There's a book I've got that we can read together."

"...I'd like that."

"Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, hmhm. Let me get you started: there's three holes. Hahahahahahaaaaa."

"Oh gross."

"I meant in the bowling ball." Alpha, Doc, and O'Malley then went back inside the base.

* * *

><p>"Uhh, I don't believe this."<p>

"It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy."

"I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds."

"Yeah also that."

"And infectious diseases."

"Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy."

"If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it!"

"And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency! My bad Church."

"Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway."

"See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor mind you."

"And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis."

"Uogh, what diagnosis?"

"Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant."

"Huhahaha, yes, with child. Muhuhahahahahaha."

"It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend."

"Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about."

"Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?" Caboose then came running in. "Doctor! Help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?"

"Andy! Andy's dead. Look!" Instead of of bomb, it was a human skull Caboose was holding. "Okay, that's disgusting."

"Doctor Doc, please help him."

"Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition."

"Where did you get that?"

"First Tucker dies and now Andy!"

"Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant."

"It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!"

"Stop that."

"Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's gonna take a little while to get used to this."

"You're not pregnant."

"I was just standing outside the base, and someone told me to turn around and when I did, Andy..."

"Whoa wait, who told you to turn around?"

"I don't know! But they were very helpful."

"And let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone."

"Yes. He was... gone."

"Huhh, everybody stay here. I'll be right back."

"Wait, what do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?"

"It's not mine."

"He is not pregnant!"

"And what about Andy?"

"And that's not Andy, just look, stay here!"

"Ahw, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?"

"Oh boy, Caboose? Better go boil some water."

"How can you think of soup at a time like this?" Alpha was then joined by Sheila to get back Andy. Apparently the Reds have him. "Firing main cannon."

"RUUUN!" The Reds then hid behind rocks while screaming stuff like: "We're gonna die!"

"Run men!"

"Ah, run away!"

"No!"

"Please don't kill me!"

"Not the freaking tank!" Sheila then stopped firing. Then Simmons, Grif, and Donut popped up. "Hey Blues!- Up- I mean, Blue! We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!"

"Wha- why would I-Hey, hold on a second Sheila. Why would I surrender?!"

"Uh, because you're outnumbered!"

"Crazy dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!"

"We also think that it's your turn to surrender."

"WHAT?!"

"Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered, and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now, that means that-"

"Sheila, shut him up."

"OH MY GOD!" The three hid behind the rock again. "Is that a no?"

"Okay look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY, don't have time for this randomness right now!"

"Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?"

"He's not pregnant! That's impossible." Andy then laughed. "Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?" So that's what Frugov meant by embryo. "What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!"

"Uhh, I mean uhh, Alien baby? How could that have happened? I am just as shocked as you are..." A radio then came on. "Come in Church come in."

"Caboose, what did I tell you man, you're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great - now I'm on the radio too."

"Oh that, that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio aaand, O'Malley is gone."

"Oh my God!"

"That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!" I then heard something. "Who are you? I want my daddy!"

"What was that?"

"Ohwell, that's the other thing I called about, um, Tucker had his gross baby."

"It's not mine!"

"He is not PREGNANT! Sheila? Stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em." Alpha proceeded towards Blue Base.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday is the final chapter of this... five-chapter story arc of this fanfic.<strong>


	17. Chapter 16: Cragger and the Alpha (5)

**Here it is, the final chapter of the Cragger and the Alpha 5-chapter story arc: Season 5**

* * *

><p>Alpha arrived at Blue Base, but there was Thumping noises. "Hey Doc, what the heck's going on in there?"<p>

"Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting."

"That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival."

"Get over here!"

"He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding."

"Tucker, fed, the baby? Gross."

"Actually Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village."

"How'd you get him to agree to that?"

"It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice."

"I said get over here!"

"He hates needles."

"No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in! It's like a miracle to see nature at work." Caboose walked behind us. "I feel dizzy!"

"Um, is he gonna be okay?"

"Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy."

"Oooooh..."

"Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-"

"I think I'm going to stop standing up now." Caboose fell on the floor. "Or passing out."

"Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice."

"Orange juice is disgusting! I prefer this red water!"

"How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?"

"Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma."

"Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this."

"I can't feel my torso."

"I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptable to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible."

"Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll."

"Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too."

"I tell you what - I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?"

"Sorry."

"Doc - Seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base."

"Church, don't make me pull rank on you."

"Rh-rank? What the heck- I outrank, you don't outrank me I'm a Captain!"

"No, you're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private. With a dead Captain."

"My body... is trying to die."

"W-okay fine, then we're both Privates, you don't outrank me."

"No, I'm Medical Super-Private, First Class."

"That's not a real rank."

"Yes it is."

"Since when?"

"Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion."

"Seriously, this red water is delicious."

"They promoted you for that!? You haven't even used your weapon!"

"Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people Church, leadership is about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people."

"If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn in to one of them?"

"Shut up Caboose."

"Blaaaaaaaaaa-"

"Shut up Caboose."

"-aaaaarg. Oh no, don't let me turn." Then turn was a loud thump. "The heck was that?!"

"I didn't feel anything."

"I'll be right back- don't feed any more of our soldiers to the Alien." Alpha then ran off. He reached a ship where Simmons & Grif were staring at. "What the heck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?"

"Go away, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys."

"What, this ship?"

"No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot."

"Where'd it come from?"

"It's a spaceship, it came from space."

"... ... ... Dibs."

"What?"

"Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs."

"No it isn't jerk, we found it first."

"Yeah but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?"

"You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous."

"Yehehah, yes I can. Dibs- see? I just did it again. Now, get the heck away from my ship, tomato can."

"Don't call me tomato can."

"Try and take it then."

"Um... okay. Sheila?"

"You bet."

"Dang it. You forgot about that too, didn't you."

"Yeah, kinda."

"Now step away from the ship, tomato can."

"Ha ha, tomato can."

"Hey I'm orange, not yellow!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

* * *

><p>"What the heck is that tapping noise? Sounds like Morris Code."<p>

"Morse."

"Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up."

"Ah huhah, sounds like fun."

"Well what does it say?"

"It says 'tap tap tap.' We don't know."

"We were trying to translate it when you showed up an interrupted us."

"No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing nothing. Just like the last fifty times I interrupted you guys. Oh wai-wai-wait, listen listen! Listen, it says, 'Red... Team... stinks.' Hey, look my new ship can talk! And it knows things. That's a good ship."

"It's not your ship, it's our ship. We called it, and it came."

"I don't know, I don't see any markings on it."

"It landed on Donut!"

"That was fantastic."

"How in the heck would that mean- oh wait, the pink guy? Oh I actually liked him!" Actually, I think I liked him too! "Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?"

"You can't have the ship."

"I'm not asking for it: it's already mine. Right Sheila?"

"Actually, I kind of like it. I think it is mine."

"Hey are you okay?" Some of the conversation was short. "Okay, just be cool."

"I am cool. You be cool." Sarge then came up in the jeep. "Bad news, fellas, I couldn't find that levitation ray, but I did find the remote control to- hey, what's goin' on out here?! Whaddaya think you're doing you lousy Blue?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship."

"Dibs."

"Too late."

"Dangnabbit! Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? Everybody knows about the International Dibs Protocol! And the No Takebacks Accord."

"See guys, this is our ship. And by ours, I mean mine, and my... eighty ton... ...friend." Sheila then drove off. "Bye everyone."

"Uh..." The Reds pulled out their weapons. "I'm gonna be right back." Alpha then headed back to base. "Caboose, where's Doc?"

"Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born."

"Well actually, that's because he was, born today. Like, an hour ago."

"We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook."

"Where's Tucker?"

"Still in a coma."

"Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be freakin' amazed." Alpha then left the base.

* * *

><p>Alpha got to Doc. "Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call Command." Silence. "Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place, to Doc."<p>

"Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?"

"What?" It was the alien in the embryo thnat just hatched. "Huh?"

"I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-"

"Take your time. This is a big moment."

"Where's more of the red water?"

"I can't deal with this right now."

"Seriously, where's more of that stuff?"

"Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number?"

"What for?"

"For reinforcements. Wait, unless, you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes."

"Uh, nope."

"Then yeah, reinforcements."

"Well I did just change a dirty diaper-"

"That doesn't count."

"I don't know, it was a real doozey. Number two."

"Doc, focus! Vic's number, what is it?"

"Oh right. Vic's jingle."

"If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click click click click, just call me up at five five five, V-I-C-K."

"You know it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a 'K'."

"Oh, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for the MCAT."

"You passed the MCAT?"

"Nha ha ha hah, not even close. But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song 'Miss Independence'. It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. Doum, d-doum, lymphatic system-"

"Hey, shut up I'm on the phone."

"What's a phone?"

"And do me a favor, kill that freaking thing, would you?"

"Hey dude."

"Vic! Hey, it's Church."

"This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta."

"Hey Vic, this is Church I need ta-"

"You have reached the voice mail system."

"Okay okay, come on."

"To leave a message, just wait for the tone."

"I know how to leave a god dang message."

"When you are finished recording, just hang up. Or press pound for more options."

"Really, hang up, no shit. I was just gonna keep talkin' until he decided to check his voice mail."

"For delivery options, press 5."

"To leave a callback number, press 8. To page this person, press 6."

"Come on!"

"To repeat this message, press 9."

"I will freaking stab you computer phone lady."

"To mark this message as urgent, press 11."

"There is no eleven, you freaking idiot!**"**

"Ooh, language."

* * *

><p>"To hear these options in Spanish, press 2."<p>

"I hate you!" The voice finally beeped. "Vic, it's Church, I need y-"

"I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full."

"Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself."

"Uh, what was all that about?"

"Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down, and I think th-"

"No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action."

"I'm okay! I'm okay!" Caboose collapsed again. "I'm not okay!"

"He's fine."

"Like I was saying, half the team is down, and the half that's left, stinks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead."

"What is a 'Reds'?"

"Oh right, and I have to kill this freaking thing."

"Also I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!"

"Oh I forgot that part! The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge freaking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armor sterile... awesome."

"Hmm. Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict."

"Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. Could be a whole new squad! Or a freelancer! Or another alien!"

* * *

><p>Alpha and Caboose were later on top of the base, with Caboose having the sniper rifle. "See him there? Right there, the yellow one."<p>

"The one next to Simmons. That's Grif."

"The other yellow one. Idiot."

"Oh, that new yellow person, y-oh yes of course, yes. Uh, he looks very scary. Yes and uh, I know that because I am looking right at him, right now, yes. He is yellow. This is very interesting."

"You don't even see him, do you."

"Yeah, I don't- I don't even know how to use this thing."

"Oh man, this is no good. Yellow armor. What does yellow armor mean, is that like some kinda... special ops guy or... man, this can't be good for us."

"What if it's a new gun."

"What? Why am I even talking to you, it's a person! In yellow armor, we already established that!"

"A medic? Caboose. We're not that lucky. Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. Probably trained in, knives or... ball-kicking or somethin'."

"Maybe he's an alien."

"An alien that looks just like the rest of us?"

"And that is the scariest kind of alien."

"Why are you, even here, it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone, and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better."

"Uh, whudldldluh. Bludludldldlah."

"Oh well, look who's awake."

"What the heck happened?"

"Oh, well, um, uh as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from de-"

"Can I get the short version of this?"

"Yeah, you got knocked up, you got knocked out."

"Oh right, I need to start workin' out. Lose this baby weight."

"Yeah, you know, we, we should all start working out, you know, uh, especially some of us."

"Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others."

"Are you guys talkin' about me?"

"Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!"

"Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole freaking team."

"Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?"

"He said it."

"What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?"

"That's Church."

"He means the ship, Caboose."

"He said it."

"The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, and a new soldier."

"Who, that girl?"

"Wha- Girl? That's a girl?"

"Duh. The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?"

"Wow, you have really good eyes!"

"I have to. I never get to use the freaking sniper rifle."

"You're positive that's a girl. How can you be sure?"

"Dude, look who you're talking to."

* * *

><p>The Blues were later at the alien. "So this is it Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature."<p>

"Uh, what do I do?"

"Why're you asking me?"

"I don't know how to be a Dad. This isn't the way I planned it."

"You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea."

"No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal Father-Son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate."

"It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom."

"Alright look let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding."

"Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?"

"Ask him if he likes baseball."

"Tell him about how his Dad got to third base with you."

"Caboose!"

* * *

><p>"Hey have you guys seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while."<p>

"Yeah I got him talkin' to Sheila. She's been actin' real wacky lately."

"Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?"

"Don't be snarky."

"Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!"

"Yeah, Sheila's been acting kinda distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kinda reminds me of somebody else."

"So why is Doc talking to her?"

"What you didn't hear the 'threatening' part I just said? I'm not goin' over there."

"Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something?"

"Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose runnin' around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little demon-spawn is enough for me.

"Don't talk about my kid like that."

"What's your deal?"

"I don't know, I think I'm kinda getting in to this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Gruuhgh."

"Of course you are. That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year."

"Don't judge me."

"Anyway, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a little tune-up."

"But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. 'n not a doctor, a medic. I guess he's not really a medic either 'cause he's never really helped anyone. He's just some, annoying guy that we know, with purple armour, who's annoying. Point is, Doc's not a mechanic."

"I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good." There was then silence. "Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to."

"Hey Blues!"

"Oh no, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now. Oh dang it, they even brought their new guy t-"

"Girl."

"What ever! Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control."

"Please, I been puttin' on that act fer like three years now."

"What do you want, Red?"

"I got a prisoner for you!"

"What'd he say?"

"He says he has a prisoner for us."

"Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap."

"Reds aren't that smart."

"Okay normally I would agree with that. But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me."

"Like you? Dang it. Then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide all our food?"

"No way, jerk. Why would they wanna give us one o' their guys?"

"Why're you asking me?"

"Oh right. Why're you giving us one o' your guys as a prisoner?"

"She's one o- your guys! She came to our side by mistake!"

I don't buy this. Whadda you want for her?"

"Uhm, nothing. It w- it was an honest mistake, uh you can have her back now, no harm no foul. Well, look can we hurry this up?"

"Yeah, this is crazy."

"Ask for something else."

"Uh, we want something else."

"What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!"

"Got any money?"

"Screw you dude!"

"What else was on the ship?"

"What do you mean?!"

"Yeah like guns, or weapons..."

"Or snacks! Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to."

"Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens!"

"That's okay, we can still raise this one!"

"Woohoo!"

"God dang it! Never mind, just send her back!"

"No takebacks!"

"Ahw, what the heck?!"

"Oh my God Grif he's gone!" Well that was just something random Simmons just did.

* * *

><p>"Well uh, welcome to Blue Team. I guess we should probably give you uh, some kind of orientation or somethin' like that. So this is the uh, this is the base here. This is the outside of the base. ...Inside's on the inside... go through that door, right there, get to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here, there's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller, does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement, ...nuhm, there's a middle part 'n' there's a top part... got some, you know blue flags here, on the outside, 's come in handy when you're, you know tryin' to identify the color of the base, it's blue. Anyway, that uh pretty much covers the base, so... anyway, yeah, that's it."<p>

"Cool."

"I'm Church, I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the Blue Team is: don't kill the leader. That's me."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"Sounds easy."

"Yeah well we're, still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, uh tell me about yourself. What's your training."

"Training?"

"Yeah. What've you been told so far."

"Oh right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. ...Did I pass?"

"No, I mean like what kind of military training do you have. Weapons?"

"Uh, those sound violent."

"Operations?"

"I don't even know how that works."

"Communications?"

"Say what?"

"Huhhhh, intelligence?"

"Uhhh, huh?"

"Hhh, great."

"Yeah... wait, what?" Alpha forgot about it went along with instroductions. "And this, is Tucker."

"Sup."

"Hey."

"Tucker's job is to do... what, I guess nothing."

"I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on Blue Team, Rookie: be cool."

"I thought the only rule was 'don't kill the leader'."

"Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool."

"Awesome, on the Red Team, we make that rule-"

"You were a Reds?"

"Oh cool, you have a dog?"

"Uh, that's not a dog, that's my kid?"

"Oh, cool, you have a kid that looks like a dog?"

"Nice save." Alpha the noticed Caboose exiting the base. "Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose, come here! Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you'd possibly need to know about Blue Base."

"Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?"

"Caboose, what did I tell you."

"That there are no regular girls."

"Exactly. Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, aaand just don't bother me. Or Tucker."

"What do I tell her?"

"Well, I already know the rule."

"I hate that stupid rule."

"Go show her Doc and Sheila."

"The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila."

"You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. ...And further away."

"Who's the black one?"

"The black one?"

"Yeah, the one in the black armor? The one standing right behind you guys."

"The black one, yeah. ...Wait, what?"

* * *

><p>"RETREAT!"<p>

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

"Running, running, running, oh no, oh no, oh no." The Blues hid behind Blue Base. "Who is that?"

"Whoah, he's awesome."

"Tex isn't a guy, she's a girl."

"Oh, sorry. She's awesome."

"She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend."

"Oh yeah? Why aren't you guys dating any more?"

"Are you seriously asking that question right now?"

"Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart? Yeah uh I hope this time, I get a Purple Lung. You see eventually I, I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends."

"Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain."

"You're just jealous, 'cause you have no friends."

"Why is she shooting at us?"

"How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?"

"Well, go out there and tell her to stop."

"Yeah, I'll get right on that."

"Uh, aren't you like, the leader or something?"

"Uh- yes Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you, our Field Negotiator."

"Awesome!"

"Yes, congratulations we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us."

"Cool. Hey, Tex! Stop shooting you stupid jerk!"

"Nice negotiating."

"She's not firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's outta ammo. Let me check." Alpha stood up and was shot. Alpha was now showing his A.I. form.

"Nope, she still has ammo."

"Nice recon work."

"I'm gonna go get my body back."

"Yeah, good idea."

"Hey Tucker, is my body on straight?"

"Dude I don't even know what that means."

"Freeze! Nobody move."

"We're already not moving. You could have just said 'everyone keep doing what you're not doing'."

"Shut up!"

"Whatever."

"Tex, what is your problem?"

"My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc any more. He's jumped in to somebody new, and I'm not trustin' anybody, until I find out who."

"Yeah, we already know all that. We're on top of the situation."

"You are? Then who did O'Malley jump in to?"

"Oh. Yeah I meant, I meant we were on top of everything right up until that point."

"Typical."

"Who's O'Malley?"

"Eah, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy the Universe. He infects people around here from time to time, but neh, it's no big deal."

"Sounds scary."

"Naw, it's all good baby, I'll protect you."

"Hyeah, that's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop scratchin'."

"Okay, never mind."

"None of us are infected Tex, but I am a little worried about the tank. She's been actin' really weird lately. Can an A.I. implant in a ... Tex?"

"Who's the girl?"

"What? Who Sister? Oh she's just a new recruit."

"You mean to tell me I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourselves a new girl?"

"Oh. Um..."

"Whoa. Tread lightly dude, tread lightly."

"You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right, just, now."

* * *

><p>"Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us."<p>

"Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means."

"Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racket."

"Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen."

"Oh why not?"

"Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact."

"Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds."

* * *

><p>"Okay, I talked to Sheila, you guys were right: she definitely seems a little odd."<p>

"Yup, so whaddaya think?"

"I, think she seems like there's something wrong."

"That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man. Because we knew something was wrong."

"I'm a medic, what do you want from me?"

"How about fixing her?"

"Well surprisingly my medical training didn't cover internal combustion."

"What a horrible medical school."

**"**Yeah where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?"

**"**Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! Who's Jamaica State's Fighting Irish."

"That's Notre Dame."

"Well since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws. So-"

"Never mind. Just go back down there, and see if you can reboot Sheila."

"Reboot her?"

"Yeah dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine."

"I don't think that'll work."

"Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter..."

'Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out."

"We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although, that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would."

"It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side-effects."

"No, I mean I don't think it'll work because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods." Sheila then fired at us. "See?"

"Yeah, we need to get someone sneaky down there who can turn her off."

"How 'bout Tucker?"

"Who me? No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker."

"Oh, that's your response to everything."

"What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker. ...How 'bout Tex?"

"Yeah we couldn't afford it. If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kinda dumb, so that we could fool them in to betraying that trust, for our purposes..." Alpha & Tucker looked at Caboose. "Hey... everyone is looking at me. ...I love when they do that- Hi everybody!"

* * *

><p>"Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favours for this one."<p>

"What favours could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?"

"She didn't dump me Tucker, it was mutual."

"Mutual in what way, mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?"

"Yeah, that way. Come on Caboose, let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck."

"Yeah right. Hey when she kills you I'm gonna sell your armour to that pink guy on the Red team. I hear he's in the market."

"Hey who's the yellow soldier?"

"That's just Sister, she's new."

"No one told me about a new arrival. I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty."

"Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F.I.N.E. ...That spells fine."

"Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-"

"I'm a doctor - a doctor of love. PhD. Certified Loooveology."

"First of all, love is not an officially recognised medical specialty. And also, PhDs? Heh, not really doctors!"

"Dude you're a dork."

"Hey!"

"What's up Sis, what'd you and Tex talk about?"

"Oh, she was just talking about everyone here. How you're all idiots and jerks, and you guys are her idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back, and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry, and everyone would hate me... you know, girl stuff!"

"Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff? This is Doc."

"Hi."

"Uh, hello, nice to meet you I'm the medic, eh if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to Base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?"

"Sure, lead the way. Seeya Tucker."

"...What the heck just happened?"

"So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her, and then while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down."

"Okay, I'll do it."

"Uh- wha- that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?"

"No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands it should be you."

"Oh well in that case we wan-"

"Forget it, deal's done."

"Dang it."

"Hum, how should I distract Sheila?"

"Just talk to her, keep her attention, that's it."

"I don't know, uh... we kinda have a history? Ea, she may not want to talk to me."

"So? Tex and I have a history, doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation."

"I wouldn't exactly call them conversations."

"Hoh, get off my back woman, can't you see I'm working here?"

"Please, you call this working?"

"See, e- this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila. Only with more getting shot by tanks."

"Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow. Just smooth talk her."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something. Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter."

"I don't know..."

"It's easy. Look here, just practice on Tex, she's -womanish."

"Pardon me?"

"Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you wanna try this on your own?" Sheila then tried to shoot Tex. "I see your point."

"Go ahead." Caboose walked up behind us. "Hello Tex."

"Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off."

"Shut up Tucker, don't interrupt."

"Interrupt what?"

"Tex, I think you are pretty, and you haven't hurt my body in a long time? So I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me? And when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend."

"I think that would be, nice, Caboose. We should, definitely, do that."

"What the heck? Tex have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody get with me, the love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your freaking world." Silence. "Hey, don't look at me, he's not part of the plan." Tex then punched Tucker. "Ow! What is going on around here!?"

"I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's 'rock your world' line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material."

* * *

><p>Caboose then began distraction. "Hello, Sheila. How are you doing?"<p>

"Oh, hello Caboose. Actually, I'm not functioning at my optimal capacity. My internal diagnostics indicate I am having mechanical issues. How are you?"

"...Uhm..."

"Caboose! Say good."

"What? Oh, good! Ubub- pretty good. Really good. I am great. I am absolutely perfect."

"That's too good."

"Now I am depressed. I am- doing- bad. I... I don't know if I can go on."

"You seem, distracted Caboose."

"Uh, I am not distracted, I'm not distracted, I am distracting, see, that's different 'cause I'm doing it to you!"

"What?"

"What?"

"I mean I'm very distractable! Aheah, with a high degree of distract-ivity...ness."

"Change the subject!"

"Okay! Sheila, have you seen Tex?"

"What? I mean- What?"

"What?"

"Sheila do you know what my favourite thing to do is? Not look behind myself. You should try not doing that." Silence. "Do you like to collect stamps?"

"Hey Caboose? I think it's wrong for us both to die because you're an idiot, so I'm gonna take off now, okay I'll see ya bye." And the plan worked soon after... and she said where something called Omega was? That sounds like... oh no...

* * *

><p>"You want us to turn her back on again. After we just went through all that trouble to shut her down."<p>

"But she said she knows where O'Malley is."

"Maybe she was lying. How could she possibly know that? What do you think Tex, can we turn her back on again? Disable her guns or somethin'?"

"Not a chance, she's a wreck back here. I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway."

"Oh, I know, uh, we could put her inside my head! Like O'Malley. I've got lots of extra room in there."

"Yeah, I bet, and, no. She's not that kind of A.I."

"She could only be moved over, if we had a similar class of vehicle."

"Yeah, if only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could move her in to. We can't use the warthog 'cause that doesn't have anything... Wait a minute. Tex... the ship? Could we move her in to one of those on-board computers?"

"If we set up a hardline, yeah, I bet we could do it." Tucker ran out of the base. "Church, wait!"

"Huh?"

"Church hold on a second I've got something to tell you!"

"Tucker what, what is it?"

"I just wanted to say... I forgot. Something to do with a hardline?"

"How did you even hear that?"

"Phh I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed." Tucker then went back inside. She's all set. Transfer should take a while."

"Um, are we sure we wanna put her in this ship?"

"Mm, it's still flyable, but I'm gonna remove the ignition coil just to be sure. If O'Malley is in her somewhere, they aren't goin' anywhere without it."

"You want me to hold it?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Well, thought it was worth a try."

"Hey Caboose? How's it goin' in there?"

"Well, all the red lights are red, and all the blue lights are blue."

"What about the green lights?"

"Those are black."

"When the green lights turn green, and the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me right away."

"Uh okay. Uh, what about the blue lights?"

"The blue lights don't matter."

"Then why do they-"

"Okay, okay thanks Caboose, good job!"

"Oh, okay."

* * *

><p>"You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time."<p>

"I had to leave, I found Wyoming."

"Yeah, Tucker told me, what happened?"

"I thought I tracked him back to O'Malley. But, by the time York and I got there-"

"York- your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?"

"She was already dead." I can't believe the #1 Freelancer is dead! That would have been impossible! "And what about Bermuda?"

"That's not a State, moron."

"Portland?"

"Shut up!"

"But he still had Delta."

"Delta; the A.I.? How? I thought they took them- wait a minute wait a minute, how was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?"

"I thought it was because of his armor. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement."

"Right, like your invisibility."

"And, horrible meanness."

"No dude, that's all natural."

"York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's somethin' going on Church, with a lot of people working against us."

"Well what did Wyoming say when he woke up?"

"He didn't, before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there, and the next he was gone."

"What about the second after that?"

"Can I kill him?"

"No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So, Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?"

"I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else."

"How is that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is- ...Wait a minute. Each freelancer had an enhanced suit of armor and an A.I., right?"

"Right."

"Right."

"Your armor was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega."

"Right."

"Wrong. Oops, missed that one, can we go back?"

"What was Wyoming's A.I.?"

"Gamma."

"Huughh. I gotta make a phone call." Alpha activated his radio. "Hello."

"Hello, this is Church, Gary. Or should I call you Gamma. Have you been lying to us?"

"Lying is such a shisno concept. I mean human concept."

"You're a computer, I thought computers can't lie."

"...No..."

"God dang it."

"I have to go, Church."

"Wait a minute, what about the Aliens, how do we-"

"Goodbye." The radio then came on again. "Hello, ringading, Blue Base, come in, let's go hello, come in."

"Hello? Vic, is that you?"

"Hey dude, how's it goin', been a while since we spoke."

"Why're you calling me?"

"Everything been goin' good yeah that's great listen don't have much time to talk, uh been discussing things here at Blue Command, we think everything isss bad, and now is the time to go attack the Red Base. Turns out the Reds are up to no good, and somebody needs to kill 'em. A good way to do that might be to send some people through the caves, yeah, take 'em by surprise, anyway, can't talk, gotta go, seeya la vista."

"Waitasecond waitasecond wait- Why do people keep hanging up on me?!"

* * *

><p>A while later: Alpha, Tex, Tucker, Caboose, Junior, Doc, and Sister were all at a meeting at the top of Blue Base. "Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it."<p>

"Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?"

"And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves."

"Why?"

"I don't know, who cares? So, me and Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle."

"What about my kid he can't go in to battle!"

"Doc, Sister and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves."

"Oh."

"We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two."

"Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will."

"What about me? Can I get lost too?"

"No Caboose, I need you to stay here and watch Sheila."

"Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether."

"Oh that would be bad."

"Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?"

"Hmm, well I suppose I could always-"

"Shut up that was retorrical, Tucker come on, let's get going."

"When should we go?"

"Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh."

"Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man."

"Tucker he's only three days old."

"Yeah, they grow up so fast."

"Also he's not a boy, he's a grub." I though Junior was an alien. "The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything."

"Tucker let's go!"

"Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up." The group then split up, with Tex heading toward Red Base. And Church & Tucker being at the same cliff where they were spying on the Reds hundreds of years earlier. Alpha also had the rifle. "I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'."

"Uh, what do you see?"

"I just said I don't see anything, I just said that."

"Man I hate that I never get the freaking sniper rifle!"

"Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you."

"Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease."

"Can I use the sword?"

"Oh heck yes!"

"Fine, here."

"Oh awesome! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!"

"Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a freakin' gyp."

"Now how do I- wait what is this thing?"

"Okay, whatever dude, just don't-" tucker then accidentally shot Tex. "OW!"

"What the heck, did you just fire that thing?"

"Oops! That was an accident."

"Um, yeah, okay take it back."

"I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?" Tex then punched Alpha. "OW! What the heck did I do?!"

"I told him to be careful with that thing, he's just not very good with it."

* * *

><p>"Alright well, I guess let's break up in to teams and search the base."<p>

"Got it."

"It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?"

"I s'pose so. I guess we have, two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now."

"Whoopdie freaking doo."

"Right Tex?"

"Don't move, O'Malley."

"Oh no."

* * *

><p>"Don't move."<p>

"Ooh, busted! Kill him Tex, I've got fifty-to-one odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose."

"Tex I am not O'Malley."

"I don't think so. It all makes sense now. You were the one that told Gary where we were, you were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving her to the ship, and you wanted the ignition coil once I'd removed it."

"That's all coincidental. It doesn't make me evil. Just makes me a bad leader."

"Why would Caboose tell me it was you?"

"You're getting information from Caboose."

"Thaaat's right."

"Dude, I'll tell you what. If you get me killed again, I gotta tell ya, this time I'm gonna be a little angry."

"Sheila told me that O'Malley might be inside Blue Leader."

"And that's you."

"Sheila's crazy, remember? Besides I was never officially promoted to Blue Leader anyway. That's... Oh no." Oh my god! Agent Florida!

* * *

><p>Well no one believed us. "I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you, it's Flowers."<p>

"Liar, Flowers is dead."

"Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker? Where did they go? I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my spare time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex, and that new yellow freak, and that stupid disgusting kid o' yours."

"Okay, okay. Man, I hope if Flowers is alive that he doesn't want his armor back. Hey, what's up with the Reds?"

"Where are they?"

"Who knows. Maybe it's lunch time. Maybe the Red army doesn't pay overtime and they all just went home."

"All their stuff is here. I don't think they evacuated."

"What do you think Tex?"

"I think we may have walked right in to a-"

"A trap?"

"Wyoming."

"Okay see? Now, if I was O'Malley, I would've known that was gonna happen."

"Ah yes, hello Tex. So sorry to sneak up on you when you were busy quarrelling about, well whatever it is exactly you people do here. I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something."

"Blue Team doesn't even have shovels. Which kinda sucks because our guys are the ones who keep dying."

"And it looks like that trend is going to continue."

"Oh what, y-yer here for Tex? Because if you are she's right there. All yours buddy. Go for it."

"Yeah. Ladies first!"

"Not at all. I'm here for your little friend. He's very important to a lot of people."

"Ahuh-huh-huh excuse me."

"So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us."

"I know."

"And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble."

"Yes, yes."

"Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming. If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone for instance, in blue armor. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved."

"Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear."

"Yeah, what are you, the narrator now or something?"

"I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base."

"We know."

"Wyoming. The bad guy."

"We know!"

"And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill."

"We get it dude, we're standing right here."

"Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?"

"No!"

"I think your friend here has lost his marbles."

"Oh, you wanna see crazy, wait until you try to take my fucking kid. What do you want with him, anyway? He never did anything to you."

"It's not what he did, it's what he's going to do. That child is very special."

"Yeah, I know. I guess I should have read to him more, or something."

"Not that kind of special, you half-wit. I mean he's important."

"Red Base. No one is in the State of Wyoming!"

"That little alien of yours has a very important destiny to fulfill. And we're going to make sure he does it."

"Well he's not here, so guess what. You're shit outta luck."

"I'm well aware; my partner's taking care of that little acquisition right now. I'm just here to tidy up a bit."

"How'd you sneak up on us anyway? Tex, I thought you were s'posed to be good at this stealth stuff."

"Ia m." Tex then turned invisible. "Wow, that's awesome. Good for you."

"Oh no, Tex has gone invisible. Whatever shall I do. Fretting, worry."

"Dude I wouldn't sound so smug. She kicked your ass last time and you weren't outnumbered like ya are now." Sheila then came up to Red Base. "Haha yeah! Hey it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that, Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Boo ya, jerk!"

"Ho ho ho ho ho, your tank? Hu hu hu hu hu..."

"Knock knock, Church."

"Oh dang it. Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen exactly every five minutes? I mean, I can't possibly be the only one out here noticing this trend."

* * *

><p>"You know I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank completely unattended. It was very kind of you old chap. Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier."<p>

"Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo."

"Yeah, what do you want with my kid anyway?"

"You don't, remember?"

"Remember? You never told me anything." Yeah, nothing happened. "I think it worked, that time." What worked? "Apparently. Keep your eye on him next time."

"The heck are you guys talking about? Oh you know what, never mind. Keep talking. Waste time until Tex kills you."

"Oh right, dear Tex. You mean, her?" Wyoming then punched an invisible Tex out cold. "Oh poor Tex. Never could understand when she was-" Tucker then stabbed Wyoming with his sword. "Beaten?!"

"Oh dear!" Wyoming then dropped cold. "Reggie." Wait, that was is real name? After all that and that was Wyoming's real name? Thanks for nothing, Gamma! "That's right jerk. I take care of my kid." Caboose came running to Red Base. "I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!"

"Caboose, get the heck outta here!" Tucker threw a grenade at caboose, but missed. "Okay bye, I don't wanna help any more." Alpha & Tucker exited Red Base. "Tucker, how did you know that was gonna happen?"

"'Cause of Wyoming. You know how Tex said every freelancer had an A.I. and a special ability?"

"Yeah."

"I think Wyoming can loop us through little segments of time, and he just keeps doing it over and over again until he wins."

"Wait, what? How many times did we loop?"

"Who knows? Doesn't matter now. That jerk's dead."

"No no, it does matter. Don't you remember when we came here to begin with? I got stuck in a loop, and every time I went back, I left a bunch of-" There were an army of Reggies in the basement. "-copies."

"Hello. Hwahahahaha."

"Hehehehaha."

"Hohohohohohohoho."

"Heh heh heh heh."

"Huh huh huh huh huh."

* * *

><p>Alpha &amp; Tucker ran from all of those Reggies. One even fell off the Red Base. The duo ran all the around a rocky area. Apparently, at some point in the loop: Tucker was immune to being reset becuase of the sword. He was seemingly smarter because of it "Hey you know what, I kinda like this new all-knowing awesome Tucker. He's certainly a lot better than the old one."<p>

"No Church wait! The other way!"

"Knock knock Church."

"Oh my god!" Gamma ensued and drove after the two. Firing its main cannon. "I meant the other other way. My bad dude."

"I take back what I said! You still suck."

"Okay Tex perfect, now listen."

"What the heck? Why do you guys keep giving away my position?"

"It doesn't matter, they know you're here anyway. DUCK!" One Reggie missed. "Once I hit a towel."

"See?"

"Tex, this is almost gonna be impossible to explain, but he knows exactly what's going on, and we just need to trust him."

"Trust him. Ten minutes ago he shot me."

"Yeah well that's I mean... you know, come on. Kind of an annoyance. But don't worry, now that we're together, I'm sure he has an awesome plan. Right Tucker?"

"Right, now you guys stay here and distract the Wyomings. I'ma go take care of that freakin' tank."

"Distract! How?"

"Not getting killed is a great way to start! Watch your back!"

"Geez!" It worked. The plan was to have Gamma be trapped in the ship Sheila was transferred too. But we had to take cover because of all the Reggies. "Okay, I'll take the ones on the right, you take the ones on the left."

"I know, I can count."

"Just keep backing them up!"

"Why, what are we waiting- wait a sec. The heck is that music?!" The Reds were on the "warthog", and killed all but one of the Reggies. Caboose then showed up. "Hey Reds! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" The Reds went after him. "Uh, is he gonna be okay?"

"I am Caboose! The vehicle destroyer!"

"...Yeah, probably."

"Hey one of them's still alive."

"Uuuhhh."

"What's your plan, Wyoming? Why are you here, and what do you want with Junior?"

"He already told me! My kid is the last part of that big prophecy we thought failed. He's supposed to become some big religious savior for their whole race. Or some stuff."

"What?"

"Yeah, so they wanna make Junior fulfill the prophecy and have O'Malley infect him. Then they can use him to enslave all the aliens by corrupting their religion from the inside."

"Okay. That's disgusting."

"No, that's our job. To win the war at any cost."

"Yeah well good luck. Now that we have you, all we need to do is stop O'Malley. And Tex will be more than happy to do that."

"Oh on the contrary, my friend. Now that she knows our plan, not only will she not stop us; our dear Tex is going to help us."

"Oh yeah. I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley. I'n't that right Tex. Tex?"

"He's right. This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting on a open channel."

"Tex! What are you doing?"

"You want me O'Malley? Come and get me."

* * *

><p>"This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel." Tex then noticed the moment she shot the last Wyoming. "What are you doing?"<p>

"I'm making you harder to find. Tucker! Turn on your radio!"

"Screw that! If O'Malley gets me he'll get the sword."

"Attention all Blues! Turn on your radio and start broadcasting right now!"

"Okay, I'm on the radio too now! This is fun! What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, he can't find you now Tex."

"Don't get involved Church. Omega wants me, he can have me."

"Why, so you can kidnap Tucker's kid? And enslave an entire race?"

"Yeah what's up with that, jerk?"

"We have to win the war, Church."

"Well what about after? You think Omega's just gonna stop after he gets a whole species for an army? He's gonna take over everything Tex, and you're not gonna be able to stop him!"

"I guess we'll find out."

"Hehey, uh Church? It's Doc. Yeah uh, you remember that Blue Leader guy down here? Weuh he's just keeled over. So I I think O'Malley's on his way. Just FYI."

"Tex, shut off your radio."

"I would get away from me if I were you."

"Doc, any idea where he went?"

"I have no idea. And that alien buddy of his took off with Junior too. If you want I could look for them on this computer down here."

"Computer? What?"

"Yeah. It's showing us the whole canyon. What's with all the dead white guys?"

"What computer? Well whatever, listen. Just keep looking for him, and tell me if you find him."

"Okay." Doc turned off his radio, and Alpha, Tucker, and Tex had each other at gunpoint. "Tex, is he in there?"

"No. Is he in you?"

"No way, I think you're lying. I think that-"

"Nothing, why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. You ever think about that maniac?" I think something was wrong was Simmons' voice. Tex then shot Alpha and ran off. "Dang it! Tucker, stop her!" Tucker tossed a grenade, but missed. Alpha recovered and came to warn the Reds. "Hey Reds!"

"Freeze, you dirty Blue!" Sarge held his gun. "N-n-n-n-n-no. Hey, I'm here to help. Omega's on the loose, and I think he's infected one of your guys."

"Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men!" Donut then shot Grif... "Ow! What the heck?!"

"I didn't say who-"

"Ow!"

"-I think it's actually Simmons."

"That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin." Simmons then got on the jeep at had the turret pointed at us. "Simmons, get off that gun right now!"

"No!"

"What did you say to me?"

"I said no, hahaha! How do you like that? No!"

"Well since you asked, I don't like it at all!"

"Fi-irst, I'm going to kill you. And then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the Universe. Just to prove a point! From now on, everyone will will admire me as leader, hahahahaha!"

"Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected."

"Well duh. Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!

"On it Sir!" Donut then shot Grif again. "Ow-how-how-how."

"Donut! I said plan eleven!"

"Where am I gonna get a steamroller?"

"Simmons, do not fire that weapon. That's an order!"

"Too late Sarge! Simmons is getting a promotion. Mahaha, mua-" Tex then knocked Omega off the turret. "Ow, the back of my lower legs!" Tex then continued to beat him up. "Ow, the side of my head! The back of my face! The front of my front!"

"Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!"

"Thanks for the update!"

"Tex I know now might not be the best time, but I'd really like you to consider coming over to the Red team. Technically you know black is just a really dark shade of red. We'll talk later." I then heard Caboose. "Church, are we still talking on the radio?" Then there was a change of tone of voice. "Muhahahahaha! 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?" Not again! Tex then came out of the robot and went into Caboose's helemt. "Heuh, dang it. Sarge, I need you to do me a favour. If I'm not outta there in ten minutes, I'm gonna need you to disable that ship. 'Cause if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid, there's no one that's gonna be able to stop her."

Alpha then came out of his robot and went inside Caboose's helmet just like Tex. Alpha materialized in caboose's mind again. "Man, this place has really gone to Hell. I guess maintenance isn't a priority. Caboose! Tex! Anyone in here!? What was that? Caboose? Tex? Omega?"

"Freeze! Look! I captured someone! I am the best! I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!"

"Great job Simon!"

"Thanks orangish guy whose name I really don't remember."

"Let's all go shopping to celebrate."

"Dar, let's be making him walk the plank."

"Oh. Hey Reds. Hey have you guys seen Omega or Tex?"

"Stop asking questions, you! We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt."

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Tucker, how did you get in here?"

"I'm in here all the time. I have this sword now. You might think it's cool but it isn't. Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb, and even though I don't let people play with it no one cares anyway. Because it's dumb."

"Oh, right. Tucker."

"Also I'm stupid and ugly. And my butt stinks. Like a butt."

"Alright alright okay, okay, guys listen. I need you to take me, to Mister Caboose, can you do that?" Mental Simmons was surprised. "Why would we do that?"

"Oh, uh because I am... ugh... because I'm, his best, friend."

"Oh, nice to meet you." The Reds then took Alpha to Mental Caboose. "Jolly good day, Mister Caboose. We be havin' a prisoner for you we do."

"I thought you had a pirate accent?"

"Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yurrr."

"Caboose, hey, it's me Church."

"Yes. Hello Church. You must be very happy to see me."

"Yeah, right, of course. I'm so happy I wanna freakin' puke." I guess Mental Sister then came up to Mental Caboose. "Hey what's up."

"Hey who the heck are you? Sister?"

"Yep. I'm Sister... Church's twin brother. I came here in a spaceship, that came from the moon. It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship, live on the other side of the island." Wait a minute. Is this the Yellow Alpha? How the heck did he get to the Alpha clones? "What the heck that's like wrong in eight different ways."

"Yeah. I know. Tell me about it."

"Caboose, do you ever listen, to anything that we tell you?"

"New Church is my best friend."

"I would argue with that too, but... what's the point."

"Did I mention that I had a baby but I won't tell anyone how babies are made? Not that it matters because everyone knows how anyway. Stupid babies!"

"Okay enough. Has anybody seen Tex or Omega? I'm in kind of a rush."

"I haven't, but you know who might know? Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramps. We could ask them."

"Okay. Let's go do that." Alpha and the mental images were spying on Omega & Tex, who were quietly conversing. "Oh no, they're not fighting, that's bad for me. Alright Tucker quick, I need you to jump out there, and kill'em with your sword. If they die in here, they get forced out of Caboose's head."

"No way that sounds scary, you do it. I wanna get back to my busy day."

"Dude I can't, your sword only works for y- ...Wait a minute. There's no possible way he understands that, fuck it give me the sword dude." Alpha beat up Tucker, took his sword, and "killed" Omega. "Scr- Deawn! Booya!"

"No! Dang it Church!" Tex then tries to shoot Alpha, missed, and Alpha "killed" her too. "Awesome, I'm like a freakin' Jedi. Aw dang it they're both dead. Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebod- anybody! Please, just freaking kill me!"

"Why?"

"Because I need to get outta here, come on please, hurry, quick just kill me please! Hurry it'll be fun, I'm a jerk."

"None of our guns work, we just have them for show."

"Mine is just a purse."

"Gah, you know, never mind." Alpha then threw a grenade at himself. Yellow Alpha then came up to him. "Hey can I ask you one quick que-" The grenade blew up. Alpha then got back in the robot. "Caboose, what happened?"

"Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker which was awesome, and took his sword. Also, someone may have been surprised by that, and peed his pants, just a little bit. Or a lot."

"I was only behind her like thirty seconds, what the heck where is she?!"

"She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now."

"Dang it! What bout O'Malley, where's he?"

"Uhuhuhuha! That's the problem with living in a Patriarchal society; men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!"

"Never mind." Alpha then ran up to the Reds. Omega jumped from Donut to Sarge to Grif. Doc then appeared. "We're here, is anyone hurt?"

"Anyone need to be killed? Huhuhahahahuhuhuh!"

"I know that laugh! Nobody move!" Then Omega jumped too... "You know uh... I don't really feel all that different. Mha, mhu mha, mhu mhu, mhuh. Uh, nuh, feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird, ah, amean, expected more-" Tex then punched Alpha. "Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone? ...Tex?"

"Church run!"

"Tex, don't!" Too late. "You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in. Nahah!" Tex then grabbed Wyoming's helmet and ran to the ship. "Wait, Tex you don't want to do this!" She managed to reach it anyway. "Sheila, are you ready?"

"All systems online. Ignition coil activated. Starting thrusters."

"Launch when ready."

"Please, take your seats. Launching in three, two, one."

"Tex, don't, do this."

"Liftoff."

"We have to stop her right now!"

"No problemo Blue. Andy you there?"

"I'm here, coach!"

"What's going on?!"

"Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer."

"Ready for your job soldier?"

"You bet!"

"Alright then son, do what you were born to do. Detonate."

"Hey, you want me to start from ten or three? Come on let's build it up a little bit, suspense it'll kill 'em. Ten!"

"I told you to disable the ship-"

"Nine!"

"-not destroy it!"

"Eight!"

"Oh well, score one for the Red Team I guess."

"Seven!"

"What about my kid?"

"Six!"

"Oh right-"

"Five!"

"-score two."

"Four!"

"Andy! Do not-"

"Three!"

"-detonate, can you see her heading?"

"Two!"

"Do you know where she's going!?"

"One!" The ship then took off to who knows where. "...Tex?"

"Boo, no explosion! That sucked." An explosion then occured. "Haha, blammo!"

"Wow, that explosion was awesome!"

"What explosion, I didn't see it, do it again!"

"Uh Church, what should we do?"

"Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home."

"Hyeah, screw this."

"Sarge... Are, we fighting?"

"No Simmons, I think they've had their butts kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow." I then decided to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>And there it is folks.<strong>


	18. Ch 17: Operation: Shoot My Gun at Grif

**We're at the mid-way point. Now to continue the adventures of the Blood Gulch Crew in Chima.**

* * *

><p>"Alright lazy bone, tell me where Donut &amp; Lopez 2 are or I'll shoot ya." Bladvic said nothing. "I'm a give you 10 seconds. Ten."<p>

"Hey Simmons,"

"Nine."

"What?"

"Eight."

"You know-"

"Seven."

"-why almost-"

"Six."

"everyone flips out-"

"Five."

"-on full moons?"

"Four." Bladvic then woke up soon after. "What? Almost everyone flip out on full moons?! Why didn't you say something earlier?! I have to tell the others!" Sarge, Simmons, and Grif were silent. "What just happened here?"

"How the heck do-"

"rForget it." The Reds got back in the truck. "How does someone wake up from whispering, but not from loud noises?"

"Must be Super Grifs."

"When we get out of here, I'm gonna forget everything that has happened here."

"Wait, you said to forget it!"

"Stop complaining or I'll shoot you in the head!"

* * *

><p>The Blues got back to the Lion Temple. Once there, they realized one problem. "How the heck are we going to get back?"<p>

"We take the green tele-thingy."

"Caboose, there isn't a teleporter for miles."

"What do we do?"

"We find someone who has the knowledge necessary to get us back there."

"Do we bring the Reds with us."

"Of course! There is no war. That was all training simulations as said before."

"So we find the Reds?"

"Didn't I just say yes?"

"Fying again!"

"Okay, now you're making us jealous."

* * *

><p>The Reds were driving from all the way to the Raven Tribe. "Simmons, how many tribes have we covered?"<p>

"Crocodiles, wolves, gorillas, lions, and bears."

"And who is left."

"Ravens - who we're about to cover, rhinos, and beavers." Grif noticed a Raven working on a jet. "Why does he seem so familiar?" Simmons then noticed something at the back of the truck. That thing looked familiar. "Hey Sarge, there's something back here!"

"What?"

"It's some sort of gray thing. Wait a second... Is that fur?"

"Dangnabbit! It's one of those wolves back at that werewolf camp!" Worriz finally came out of hiding. "Oh come on! How else would I know where you all come from?"

"Hey, no one asks, no one ever tells."

"Fine, you can join us."

* * *

><p>"This is just like giving Tucker a sniper rifle."<p>

"Yeah, but I also like the idea of you being on the ground and I'm in the air!"

"So, this is the Gorilla Tribe?"

"Yes." The 4 climbed up to the Gorilla's huts. "Tucker, you seem to be obsessed with flying."

"Yeah! Being so high, I'll never stop paying attention to-Wow! Look! A beach!"

"What beach?"

"Nah, I just wanted to mess with you! There's no beach for miles!"

"Wow! Look, a tree!" Laval & Washington ignored the 2 and walked up to Gorzan. "I take it that you know what's going on?"

"Yeah, dude! There was a gorilla that had bear dreams."

"Bear dreams? I'm just going to forget I heard that."

"Anyway, we're looking for someone who can get everyone that got here back to the crash site."

"Sorry, dude. I don't know how to get the 3 of you home."

"First of all, our ship crashed... oh wait. Second of all, there was more then just me, Tucker and Caboose. There was also Red Squad."

"Well, a gorilla with yellow armor fell out of the sky."

"Wait a minute? A gorilla with yellow armor? Out of the sky?! Must have been Grif."

"Then a crocodile in red armor, and a wolf in maroon armor picked up the gorilla. They kept calling us hippies."

"What's a hippie anyway?"

"We don't have time to discuss this! Will you come with us or not?"

"Alright, dude."

* * *

><p>Sarge, Simmons, and Grif came across Razar, who was in another of his business 'ventures. "Ah sorry, my friend, but no raven has been acted indifferently. Except for someone called Rax."<p>

"Rax? who's Rax?"

"This raven who appeared a while back. Makes money by actually doing jobs the tribes want done, except for thievery."

"Sounds like he's the outcast."

"Rax is a girl."

"Oh."

"Rax, why does that sound familiar?"

"Sounds more like she was a descendant of the late _T. rex_. Stupid meteors. Then again, larger mammals wouldn't exist without it."

"Wait a second! She was the one fixing a vehicle I caught sight of while we were getting here."

"Have you at least something else out of the ordinary?"

"Well, my friend, someone has been stealing alien-looking metals throughout Chima recently."

"Sounds like a good place to continue." A while later, Sarge, Simmons, Grif, and Worriz came across a cave deep in the junkyard. Grif stepped on a stick. A voice came from the cave "What was that?"

"Why does that sound familiar."

"Oh, really? Like 'Rax'?" Someone that as supposed to be Crawley came out of the cave. Worriz immediately recognized him. "Crawley?" Then his body started to dissolve into "...Oh, hey guys! I knew I heard a stick snap!"

"What the? Donut?"

"Hi, guys! Its been hours! But who's this guy?"

"Worriz, Leader of the Wolf Tribe."

"How can you be that guy?"

"And... wait... WHY ARE YOU STILL A HUMAN?.. Wait another minute."

"What?"

"Think about it. Who could have the proper medical procedures necessary to make someone back to being a human?" Someone resembling Crug came up behind them. "Well, look what the dimensional hole dragged in!

"Crug?" But "Crug" soon dissolved into... "And by dragged in I mean spit out like a hairball, hey guys!"

"Simmons? Is that Doc behind us?"

"Yes."

"Simmons, don't stop me from shooting myself."

"Our guns are somehow out of ammo."

"Could have also saved those bears back there."

"Dagnabbit!"

* * *

><p><strong>Now tomorrow is the part where I explain what happened to Donut, Doc, and Lopez.<strong>


	19. Ch 18: The Light Red, Purple, and Brown

**Here's the chapter explaining what happened to Donut, Doc, and Lopez.**

* * *

><p>Donut woke up, and noticed he felt his hand as a claw, and 360 vision. Also, his armor shattered into pieces, with Doc's armor broken as as well. Donut immediately injected himself with his DNA. Donut was human again in a few seconds. He then found Doc as a humanoid bat and injected his particular DNA into his system. Bat to human in a few seconds. In another split second, Donut repaired both their armors. And guess what, the former dialogue is all a Donut story. "And that's how everything came to this."<p>

"Great, but where's Lopez?"

"_Over here._"

"Lopez! Good to see you old buddy."

"_As much as I hate you, you two are the only ones here that can get me back to that camp._"

"I missed you too."

"_Please kill me._" Just then Lopez noticed someone. "_Someone's here._"

"Hahahahahhahaha! Good one, Lopez."

"_God! I'm not telling a joke!_"

"Umm... guys."

"What?" The description of the figure will come in his character chapter, so let's move onto the conversation they have. "Private Franklin Delano Donut, Medical Officer 'Super Private First Class' Frank DuFresne, Lopez."

"Wow! It's just like all those conversations with a all-knowing, highly-trained mysterious figure who shows little emotion."

"Let's just see what he has to say."

"Listen, there is something below the swamp that is planning to take over this entire area. And I need more hands on deck if a squad I assembled is trying to stop it."

"I hate to break it to you, but I'm a pacifist."

"You're the only medic here. As much as hate to have your medical skills on the squad, I can't have members dying after this mission."

"I guess I'm in."

"Alright this is going to be great!"

"_I already know from the start this is going to be a turn for the worst._"

"Trust, me. I've been through worse."

"_And this guy is bilingual. Just my luck._"

"Another question, sir: how are we getting into the swamp?"

"More specifically, how are we supposed to get under this said swamp?"

"I have a connected tunnel to a scrapyard, and the swamp. Iniside the swamp side is a drill under construction. I just need you two to run a distraction for the leader. But I have my eyes on the new crocodile queen."

"Huh? Queen of the crocodiles?! Is there such a thing?!"

"In this dimension, yes."

"Is there a king?"

"Yes. But he's in a coma."

"Just like Tucker when he was inpregnated with an embryo."

"How are we supposed to distract the queen?"

"By disguise you two as the guards."

"Let me guess, one smart, one dumb."

"Is there more than those two types? Adaptive armor units allow for holographic projections of the respective form of the individual. The hologram adapts to every motion you take. DuFresne, you're are going to disguise yourself as the intelligent guard, while Donut is the incompetent one."

"Obviously."

"I can't wait! i hope we find the other guys! Sarge is going to be happy Lopez is alive!"

"_This is going to be a long day._"

* * *

><p><strong>And that warning towards Crooler earlier in the fic was a threat. Another thing, this figure has a a complete understanding on what was going on in Chima at the time.<strong>


	20. Chapter 19: The Human Factor

**This chapter is going to be a short one.**

* * *

><p>The Blues managed to reach the Raven Tribe. They soon found the Reds at the cave. "Hey, Blues! We found Donut, Doc, and Lopez!"<p>

"Oh yeah? We found Caboose... oh wait."

"What? Is it my horn?"

"No, you're an idiot."

"I don't know what you just, but I guess it doesn't matter."

"Aggh, forget it!" Washington caught sight of a raven going inside the cave. "Who's that?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Alright then, but Donut... WHY ARE YOU & DOC STILL HUMAN?"

"DNA sample injections before this all happened."

"I see." A distorted shape appeared in front of the group. "Hello, Agent Washington."

"What?" There was nothing there. Suddenly a figure materialized. It was a crocodile in white armor, with maroon streaks. "No, I did not bring you here, but I do have the technology needed to get you back. But first you have to help me with something: you're going to help me kill the Omicron A.I."

* * *

><p><strong>And here's our msyterious figure! And yes, he is an OC, but not really. <strong>

**Name: Cranvil (Agent Montana)  
><strong>

**Species: Crocodile**

**Occupation: Freelancer (formely), Weapons Designer  
><strong>

**Weapons: Plasma Claws, Battle Rifle, Supressor, Grappling Hook**

**Armor Enhancements: Adaptive Camouflage Unit, Strength Boost, Healing Unit**

**As for how Cranvil got his status as a Freelancer will be expained in the next chapter later. I'm going on hiatus until further notice.  
><strong>


	21. Chapter 20: Agent Montana (Part 1)

**Since there is a lot to type, this is going to be a 2-parter (possibly 3).**

* * *

><p>Everything before Cranvil became Montana was not normal at all. He was abused greatly by his father, who became aggressive towards everyone from his experience of what he "learned" from Cranvil's mother's death. His father ran a blacksmith, one of the best in Chima. everyday Cranvil's father would create weapons and sell them to the tribes in Chima. The father had experience in mechanical engineering as well, therefore able to sell vehicles. Rumor was that Cranvil was designing vehicle after animals that were considered mere myth. The father's abuse grew more and more every year.<p>

However, then there was the incident. Fore you see, Chi has by human terms "free will". While this is not true, it does describe what happened at the Lion Temple 20 years ago. Fore you see, the father never wanted chi, but took it anyway as to not to annoy the lions. The father's annoyance built up again and again. Soon enough, the father had it with all of this. Cranvil, now 16-years-old, was grabbed by the tail and dragged by his father to the temple. As Lagarvis's father, the previous Lion King, was handing out chi, Cranvil's after snuck into the temple and threw one the orbs he brought with him back into the pool. Similar to what happened to the Blood Gulch Crew, Chima animals were dragged into the Red vs. Blue universe. Cranvil was one of them.

Cranvil became a thief in that universe, stealing food to satisfy his hunger. He was left uncaught for a full decade before he was eventually arrested on Sidewinder. Experimented on in a United Nations Space Command research laboratory, Cranvil was rescued by - surprise, surprise - the Director of Project Freelancer. As Agent Montana, he worked well during his time with the project. He met up with the other animals brought to the universe. Woker (a wolf): Agent Tenessee & Rav (a raven), Agent Vermont. Montana found his experience both freeing and somewhat enjoyable. Until the A.I. fragments came around. Although tolerable, he started getting suspicious when Sigma was created.

* * *

><p>Montana was doing what he always does in the classroom, cloaked with a secret invisibility unit as he still had trust issues during his life in Chima. The Director and Counselor were continueing with one of the lectures. "And as the Director accurately predicted in his thesis on the subject, we see that cognitive impression modeling can be seperated from the host. Naturally, this remains an inherently deconstructive process. But most of all, the biggest concern of any full A.I. entity is the prospect of rampancy, which we covered last week."<p>

"Of course our A.I. units are what we call fragments, so there's very little chance that a personality subroutine can run off unchecked."

"Are there any questions?"

"Yeah, I got a question. Why do we need to learn all this stuff?" South was never on Montana's good side. "A.I. theory is like vehicle mantinence, South. If we're going to use this equipment, any equipment, we need to know how to care for it."

"Oh yeah, Like a coffee maker or a vacuum cleaner."

"Uh..."

"That was rather rude.""Oh, cry me a river, light bulb."

"No, not the same as that."

"I don't even have one because someone didn't bring enough to share, so why am I sitting through this elementary classroom?"

"I don't have one either, South."

"That's only because you gave yours to Maine."

"He needed to be able to communicate after his injury."

"Oh yeah. That's the only reason you did it. You're a real hero, Carolina. It's not like Maine has much to say anyway." Maine was mute ever since he was shot in the throat as he found out after the Sarcophagus mission. Montana always feels uncomfortable around Sigma, now even more since today. Maine growled at South, then Sigma butts in. "I would like to say just how appreciative the two of us are for Carolina's sacrifice. Agent Carolina, if anyone can excel without an A.I. unit, it is you."

"Thank you, Sigma."

"And Agent Texas of course. That goes without saying."

"Right."

"I notice she doesn't have to attend class."

"Agent Texas doesn't need this training."

"What the Director is trying to say is that Agent Texas has already completed her A.I. theory course work. I think that's enough for today."

"If I may, Counselor. I have just one last question."

"Oh, come on." York was annoyed, Montana wondered what the fragment had to ask. "On the different levels of A.I. awareness and rampancy."

"Melancholia, anger-"

"Specifically in the fourth stage of rampancy."

"Meta-stability."

"Yes, the meta stage, in which an A.I. can be considered fully human." Sigma didn't let the Counselor mention the jealousy stage. "That is only theoretical, Sigma. No A.I. has ever achieved such a state."

"But it is possible."

"In theory, but-"

"But possible. I find that very interesting."

"Remember, Sigma, you're not even a full A.I. You are what we call a fragment, so something of that magnitude would be even more difficult for an entity such as yourself."

"Well, as the Director always says, it is important to have ambition."

"Why yes it is. Class is dismissed." Everyone left but Sigma, with Delta noticing. "Sigma, are you coming?"

"Yes, yes. We will be joining you shortly." Sigma then made a symbol from Greek letters. Montana became visisble. "Sigma, if you're doing what I think you're doing sooner or later, you'll regret it." As Montana left the classroom, hew began to question the Director's motivations. Why would he want A.I., if there was the possibility of some going rogue.

* * *

><p>Montana was then paired with the Omicron A.I. "Why hello, Agent Montana."<p>

"Omicron."

"We are going to do so much together."

"What?"

"What are the possibilities of multiple A.I. fragments."

"Multiple A.I. in one unit can only lead to disaster, Omicron. Its been proven in beta testing."

"But what about finding out yourself."

"Omicron, we're done!"

"Just think about it." Omicron logged off. Montana knew something else was with these A.I. fragments. Montana found Tenessee & Vermont talking nearby. "You two: we need to talk."

"What do you want?" Woker was not holding well with Zeta. Ever since his implantation he's been taken a more aggressively annoyed turn. Rav, however, did not. She was getting along fine with Kappa. "You should know by now!"

"The A.I. fragments what about them?"

"It's their quote-on-quote 'personalities'. Omicron tempted me to require 2 A.I.s, that's suicide."

"Yeah, Kappa wanted to have be a full animal like me."

"Zeta is so naive, it's annoying!"

"So these things have personality traits as a personalities."

"So... Delta: logic, Theta: trust, Sigma: creativity & Ambition, Gamma: possibly deceit, Zeta: naitivity, Kappa: envy, and Omicron: ...greed?"

"Well this can't be good at all."

"So, what now? We were sucked out of Chima, join a government-funded project with spirit-like entities, implanting them into various animals, only to find out something larger is at work? ...What now?"

"We keep this conversation secret, and find out more if we can." Montana then left them to go to the training room to find Carolina inside. F.I.L.S.S. was announcing the results. "Round complete. A six-point-three percent increase in efficiency that round Agent-"

"Run it again F.I.L.S.S."

"Resetting training room floor for next round." What is up with Carolina lately? She's been there all day. Montana knew it was because Texas became the ranked #1 Freelancer, Carolina was the former #1. Montana knew she was suffering from an inferiority complex. That can only lead to something that is not good.

"Round complete."

"Run it again."

"That last round showed a three-point-six percent increase-"

"Just run it again!"

"Resetting training room floor." Montana decided to leave.

* * *

><p>Eventually, days later, after Tex &amp; Carolina's fight, he found Tex in the classroom with a dog tag. Agent Conneticut without her helmet. Its an obvious recording. "Agent Texas... Allison. If you're reading this, then that means I escaped. Or, well at the very least, I'm probably not around anymore."<p>

"I wanted to leave behind all the data I've been collecting about Project Freelancer. I never could shake the feeling that something was wrong the program; the secrets, the lies, the manipulation. Smoke. All of it. Obscuring a big damn fire. I did some digging, and now I know what the Director has been hiding. What he did. He broke the law, Allison. The one law they don't just slap you on the wrist for. I'm taking the originals with me as an insurance policy. I leave this copy for you not because you are the best solider in the squad, but because I know that I can trust you the most. After reading these files you will understand why. Good luck. Your friend, Connie."

Texas began scanning through the A.I.'s but caught the notice of the locked files on a "Beta" A.I. Password was Allison. Information revealed the Beta A.I. was Texas. After leaving, Montana learned that A.I. implant process was on hold. Everyone had their A.I.s taken except Carolina's, North Dakota's., and New York's. Montana gladly handed over Omicron to the soldier, blood was spilt due Montana forcibly grabbing the implant out of the back of his neck. Montana came across Maine changed his streak color to brown, and cleaving the blade on his Brute Shot. Montana was then knocked. Before losing consciousness, Montana let out a weak "Sigma, you monster."


End file.
